i’m feeling like a total loser right now. i normally like to be alone, but for some reason i feel like being out and about tonight. unfortunately, everyone is already out doing their thing… i told peeps i didn’t want to go out. oops. now i’m sitting alone in my room blasting tosca through out the house and drinking a white russian. well… if you consider vodka, kaluha, and .005 ounces of milk a white russian. i’m on the beginning path to getting royaly (one or two L’s?) fucked up. i don’t usually drink by myself… so i’m breaking a bunch of rules right now.

part of me really wants to call a chicky friend of mine that has been there for me in all my nuttiness… but i know she’s hanging with a ‘special’ someone, and i shouldn’t intrude on her festivities. she wouldn’t mind. if she knew what was going through my head right now, she’d be made at me for not calling her… but i just can’t do it. i feel guilty laying all my bullshit on her. argh. fuckin’ argh.

i haven’t listened to music at home in quite awhile. music is a part of me… but lately i haven’t been in the ‘right’ mood to sit down and chill out. i don’t like being alone with myself. sitting at home watching t.v. isn’t the same as being alone… with me. i hate silence. i have to have some noise… t.v., radio, roommate, blender… anything. when there is no noise, i think too much. it gets too overwhelming. in the last couple’ve months, music has been a silence. each song reminds me of something i messed up… each song reminds me of people that are no longer around… each song makes me want to run and hide… but i’m still here.

what makes this more and more strange is that at work… i can’t function without music pumping into my face from my computer speakers. in the last few days, i’ve loaded 160 cd’s into itunes at work. what the hell. i have to listen at work… i can’t listen at home. that’s fucked up.

the cd playing right now is from a period in my life when i was hanging out with this chick from n. carolina. cool as hell. she had her own issues… and 4 prescriptions to some cool pills. we got along fantastically. she liked to share the buzz… and dammit… who am i to make someone unfortable around me? gotta join the party. she moved back to n. carolina, but not before we both had a freak out and stopped talking to each other. that was weird. i’m used to me freaking out… and the other person telling me i’m crazy as they run the other way. damn near every friend i’ve ever had has called me crazy, and not in a funny ha-ha… you’re fuckin’ crazy… you rule kinda way. nope. straight out… you’re fuckin’ nuts. why do you do the strange shit you do? fuck if i know? i can’t control myself. sometimes i just gotta do things. if i don’t… all shits gonna break loose. it may not to you… but it does to me.

crap. i’m rambling. see folks… this is why i don’t drink alone. what memory path will i take tonight to beat myself up with? will it take me to a pleasurable place i’ll want to return to soon?… or will it get diabolical… and make me wanna curl up in the fetal position in the dark and cry for hours?

your guess is as good as mine.