I have been wearing womens clothes in private since I was a young boy. Over the years it has become something I do when I am feeling stressed or unhappy. But over the last few years the feelings I get when I dress up have intensified. My desire to dress in feminine clothing has intensified. I am not feminine looking naturally but I do have and have always had a lot of  felt a lot of feminine feelings. I have naturally low testosterone which of course means my estrogen levels are high. I have extra breast tissue naturally probably from my hormone levels and in the right bra I have very natural looking A-Cups. Over the years I have had long, loving relationships with women but never felt comfortable talking about my true identity. A couple of times they found my secret stash of clothing but we never had an open discussion about what I was truly feeling and why I was doing it. Now I live alone and live in my home almost always dressed as a woman. I feel more than ever that I want to live my life as a woman but can’t take the first step. Adding to the confusion are my fantasies about having sex with men. I am not attracted to men at all. I can’t think of one single time but I think that having sex with a man as a women would be the pinnacle of being a woman. If I truely want to go all in on this lifestyle I feel that I would need reassignment surgery. Then I would feel comfortable living out my life as a woman. I know this is not possible without transitioning long before surgery. So I am stuck. I don’t know how to handle these stronger feelings and wonder where they are taking me.
in the past I have decided that I just couldn’t make the change. It would be too much to start everything over and I guess I didn’t want to give up my male life. So twice now I have packed everything up and threw out all my clothes shoes and jewelry. I said I’m just going to live in the body that God gave me. Over time I stared missing that one cute skirt, those colorful tights and that sexy top and the platform heels. So of course I bought new ones. And so it goes. Here I am sitting at home in my party dress with no where to go. I’m not even sure why I am writing this and worst of all posting it for all the world to see. I don’t think I can do this on my own. I’m stuck.