Today was better although, as per usual, I’m feeling anxious now because it’s late. I’m not exactly sure when the anxiety starts but I’d guess anywhere from 7:00 onward.

My weight is bothering me. I don’t like it, I want it off. Ideally, I’d like to weigh 120 but that’ll never happen. I got very close before and I basically had to give up everything to do it. I worked out 3+ times a week (at one point, I was going 4 or 5 times) and walked for an hour+ a day in town straight, without breaks. I ate 4 or 5 small meals daily and counted every single solitary calorie that I ingested. I was so good at it that I lost nearly a full ten pounds in one month.

It was sort of sad though. When I ordered food, I’d get only healthy things and took the tasty stuff off. I didn’t drink any soda at all. I basically purified nearly my entire life and while I was thrilled with how great I looked, I couldn’t eat some of the things I loved most. So this time, I’m being a bit more lenient. I have a can of soda a day if I want it, as a treat. I usually only drink half of it before I get full. If I’m hungry for something bad for me, I’ll eat a bit and then stop. I don’t walk after working out anymore because I don’t have time. I don’t get home until 5:30 and if I were to eat right away, I wouldn’t get finished until 6:00. If I walked an hour that’d get me back home at 7:00 and that’s not even figuring in driving time. I should go to bed at 10:00 or 10:30 but I don’t usually so that’d only give me between 3 to 5 hours of free time which isn’t a lot because I have to share that time with my brother…because my laptop is currently out of commission so we share the desktop. I’d have, at most, 2 and a half hours out of a full day just to myself for fun. That’s…not a lot…

To try and remain stable, I keep trying to think positive thoughts and create goals for myself. So far, here’s my list:

1. Lose at least 10 pounds this summer or learn to love my body.

2. Deal with my anxiety without meds.

3. Confront my anger. This one is big, I have a very explosive temper and it must be dealt with ASAP.

4. Figure out what causes what. Why do I doubt everything between whether I know what 10 times 100 is (I’m not joking about this one either sadly) and whether I look normal? Why do I not only check and recheck my figures but also my bookbag before class, the stuff I’m holding before I enter Curves, my car, my suitcases, etc. until I’m satisfied? Sometimes I do it 3 or 4 or even 5 times until my anxiety goes away and it’s not normal and is in some ways even more stressful. The bookbag thing in particular is rough because I open it 4 or 5 times and run through my day and my stuff 2 or 3 times each time I open it. Then on the bus, I run through my day again to be sure I have everything so it takes up quite a bit of time.

5. Discover why I can’t commit to a major and why I can’t always focus on people. Do I, as another member suggested, have ADD or am I merely adventurous and slightly inattentive/bored?

6. Learn to go with the flow. I spend so much time worrying about the future and trying to avoid possibly painful situations that I avoid ones that could also be great. For example — my boyfriend. He’s screwed up a lot, yes, but I attack him unfairly sometimes (what he does when we’re broken up is his business, not mine, I’m the one who let him go this last time) and constantly question whether I can trust him…but when I think about it, I know I wouldn’t trust another man any more either. Most likely less. I need to learn to live life to its fullest and try to deal with the crud as it comes.

7. Swear. Less. I don’t fully understand why this bugs. I want to feel feminine…and no, I’m not stereotyping women or saying they shouldn’t curse, it’s just something with me, how I feel about myself. I want to swear less and be quieter, less aggressive. Strong but peaceful.

8. Rid myself of Social Anxiety. I first found myself suffering from SA when I was about 15. I’d been bullied so much that I just collapsed. I cried all the time, rarely left my house, etc. I lived like this for about 3 years. Then when I turned 18, I was told I had to get a job…so I did and I was forced to deal with people and I’m a much stronger person for it today. But now I have problems with women…in that pretty ones make me feel horrible, like I’m ugly and I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die. This has been going on for about a year now, maybe a little less, and it’s damaging enough that it needs to stop.

Well, that’s it for the moment. Now that I’ve got those down, I can head to bed. 🙂