so, today I got some really bad news. I’m a diabetic so my doctors kinda told me my h1bo is bad…again. my h1bo is like my overall blood sugar for a number of months. and in January I was told it was good and then I went Berlin and stuff happened and I went into a deep depression so I wasn’t on top of my diabetes.

right now I feel like every time I take steps into the right direction get thrown back 10 steps you know. its like a never ending cycle of bullshit. I don’t know I kinda want to give up. but at the same time don’t. I keep telling myself I have so much to live for but its not much and its about to come to a end.

sometimes its hard to get out of bed, go to college and just eat. it gets really hard but its easier I feel when I’m at home with my sister. away from all of the people who I used to call my friends, away from being ignored from them and away from the stares I get from people like I did something. I never I asked for any of this who does. I made a mistake and something happened. I should be getting support from these people who we’re my friends, they should try to understand what I’m always alone.

because of everything I have isolated myself. I don’t have any close friends and keep to myself. I read and focus on my school work all of time. the only friend I have is my sister which is just really sad. but I’m afraid being hurt like I was before.

I’m meant to be making a decision about what foundation course I’m doing and where and if I’m going to even do it but I can’t seem to a first to achieving that goal. Ive declared that I hate art to everyone that I hate art which isn’t true but I am starting to hate it. for the last 17 years of my life I’ve loved it but I don’t have that passion that I once used to have once upon a time. I m lost in life.