my first blog post

It has been almost two months now. i couldnt remember at first when i stopped because it was kind of a spure of the moment thing. But i thought back and it was right after my boyfriends birthday that i stopped. His birthday was december 5th. so im going to say it was the 11th. so saying almost two months is still accurate right.? Anyways, the wanting is still there. everyday, actually numerous times a day. i can honestly say its not wanting vicodin or percocept. I just want a xanax or something to calm down. i feel so anxious all the time. i mean dont get me wrong, i still want the pain meds but i find myself wishing for a xanax more.

I hate feeling like im ruining my relationship because of what im going through. I cant even talk to my partner about how im feeling or what im thinking. it hasnt been two months and he is already sick of hearing about it. i cant help that it is what im always thinking about. I'm not going to be like this forever, just for a little while while i get over the hard parts. but how do you do that when you feel like you have no one.? Quiting has brought so many insecurities to the surface, so many feelings and things i tried so hard over the years to bury. i know i should look into counseling or therapy but i have tried all those routes before and jason said he would help me, he said he would be my person through this because he wanted me to see myself how he see's me but i couldnt do that while on the pills. he said he wouldnt let me fall because he would catch me. well, i feel alone all the time, i hate all of these insecurities and feeling like he is sick of me because yes i am moopy, i dont have any energy, everything in my body hurts, and im sorry but i feel like im falling fast and hard and i dont think there is going to be anyone there to catch me..

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  1. Profile photo of alanoriley
    alanoriley 4 years ago

    Dear Peej:

    When I was in early recovery I felt like I was poor father, partner, brother and son.  I thought to myself, if I could just get high one time I could do all the things I need to do.  I could be the super-dad, I could catch up alot of stuff I had been putting off.  Of course when I explained this to my sponsor he knew exactly how I felt because he had gone through the exact same thing.  The way he explained it to me made perfect sense.  For years I had been convincing myself that the most ridiculous crap was good for me.  If someone else had tried to tell me that sticking a needle full of poisin in my arm was good for me I would have laughed at their stupidity, but, somehow I could convince myself of the exact same thing.  As an addict, and especially in early recovery I could trust very little of what went through my head.  The addict part of my brain was not happy without the drugs and it (I) would tell me something was wrong and somehow blame it on my not using drugs.   I found myself thinking things just like, "I could really use a xanax", and "I think I'm ruining my relationship."  The fact was though, that I was clean.  Staying clean was the one thing I could do that was right.  For me, xanax would have ultimately led back to opiates and my thinking I was doing wrong in any of my relationships really made no sense.  I was doing the one thing I could at that time for the long term greater good of all my relationships.  If I had listened to me and believed that I was no good "because I was staying clean", I'd have convinced myself into getting high again.  When I was first getting clean my thoughts ran the gammit of "the crazies".  I just listened to my sponsor, waited it out, stayed clean one more day.  You'll feel better, I promise you that.  Using drugs changes your wiring system, just give it a little time to straighten back out.  I still try to tell myself crazy things, at least now I can recognize them as ridiculous  Using drugs just makes absolutely no sense, it IS pure nonsense.  I still think to myself, sometimes, I would like to get high.  I just can't.  It would truly be insane at this point, well, at any point.  Hang in there and keep doing anything that is positive and doesn't include ANY type of drug.  Things will turn in your direction.  Sooner rather then later because you've made it through the absolute toughest part, the first 60 days.  Stay clean and everything will fall into place.  Try out AA NA just give it a shot.  They'll know what you're talking about they've been there, truly.

    Great Blessings are coming soon if you stay clean.



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Okay, so this is my first blog post on this website. I was browsing around the internet trying to find somewhere I can just write something about my anxiety, depression, etc. and this will do. I doubt anyone will read these, because I\'ll probably have long, boring posts…but I definitely needed somewhere I could just vent away.

As of right now I\'m freaking out…have anxiety but it hasn\'t gone into full blown panic attack, that\'s why I\'m writing. I woke up like this. As soon as I opened my eyes I had this tightness in my chest and that "uh-oh, I think I\'m going to have a panic attack" feeling.

I realized last night just how all kinds of messed up I am. I don\'t just have anxiety…I also have major depression, bi-polar disorder, agoraphobia, emetephobia, PTSD, and I\'ve been self-injuring.I could go on but those are the main things right now I believe. Those all cause my anxiety.

I started cutting when I was 17, I\'m 25 now. I stopped 2 years ago because it just stopped working for me. I was pissed. Because it REALLY did help. Some people are always like ya ya you did it for attention. No. I would always hide it, always. The only person that knew about it was my mom, dadand my best friend. I hate people seeing my scars now. It is embarassing, but when you feel like you have no where to turn to except cutting you\'ll take the good with the bad. SO anyway, 4 days ago was the first time I tried doing it again since I stopped. It helped a little bit. It was during a massive panic attack and it did take the edge off so I could compose myself again. But it didn\'t work like it once had. Once again, I was pissed. Okay, so hide that, no big deal. Maybe I wouldn\'t do it again since I didn\'t get the exact results I wanted. But that was completely the opposite of what happened. Since I did it I couldn\'t stop thinking about doing it again. Not sure why, maybe to see if it would help even more the next time, to have this constant anxiety thatI have to not be so strong. Either way, I wanted to do it. I held off for 2 days and didn\'t do it, which brings me to yesterday, my 25th birthday. I had to go out with my dad and step mom to lunch, causing me crazy amounts of anxiety through the whole day. I hate the public, I hate food most of the time, I hate it all. It\'s panic attack inducing, who would want that? But I went. Took xanax. All over. But the anxiety wasn\'t gone. I carried it through the whole entire day. And if anyone knows how that feels, its exhuasting and frusterating. So, I went into crazy Jenny mode and cut myself again. Took the edge of but the damn anxiety was still there.

Now, I live with my husband and my mom, I just got married a little over a month ago. He knows about all the depression and anxiety and how I used to cut myself. But I didn\'t want him to know that I did it again, not yet at least, if I told him I wanted it to be on my terms and what I decided to say. Did not work out that way. I thought maybe taking a bath would help relax me, so that\'s what I did, bubble bath. I was listening to music, crying a little, being depressed and anxious. (When I get anxiety I tend to cry a bit, seems to help). My husband, Dan, walks in. So shit, I sink lower in the tub in the bubbles to cover where I cut myself, which was my upper shoulder…I felt bad but like I said I wanted to tell him on my terms. Not good enough though, he saw it. Asked what happened. Needless to say his initial reaction was pissed at me and he left the room. I stayed there for awhile and then after maybe 15 mintues got out to go talk to him. He told me that if I did it again he would tell my mom about it and that would be horrible because I know the pain she went through when I did it before. And that pisses me off. I mean, yes, I completely understand why you would want me to stop and not do it anymore. I really really do. But telling me that just aggervates me. What if I did do it in a time of panic? Then I would really have to hide it from him because he told me he would tell my mom and drag my ass to a hospital. I guess I can\'t really be that aggervated though, he\'s just worried about me. It\'s like something that you can\'t live without has been taken from you. Like, you can\'t live without your cell phone, it\'s your lifeline to some people…okay I\'m going to take that away from you, tough shit. I know I\'m comparing cutting to a cell phone and that sounds so stupid, makes sense in my head. And I know I can LIVE without cutting, just as anyone could live without a cell phone, but taking it away from me is not a pleasant feeling. Especially because I\'ve been wanting to do it so bad these past few days.

Anyway, that\'s it for now. I wouldn\'t be surprised if I come back in 10 minutes and write another full blown blog.


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  1. Profile photo of AliceInChains
    AliceInChains 5 years ago

    I have social anxiety. It turned into a social phobia a few years ago when I started avoiding public places. Now it\'s agoraphobia. I hate public places, like the mall with loud stupid teeneagers, and Wal-Mart with bright lights. I can\'t stand getting attention in front of people.
    I\'ve always thought about suicide, cutting myself, doing something. But I never have because I can\'t stop thinking about how much anxiety it would cause me when I have to explain it to my boyfriend.
    Instead, I sometimes bring a pair of scissors to my writs and feel the pressure. Or bite my hand. I don\'t do it often, or plan to do it. All I can do on those bad days is cry and feel a little better afterward. And I know how hard it can be to just live through one day at a time.

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