So, I don't usually do this. Blog, that is. I was told that I really need to try and do things to take up the time I spend doing destructive things or thinking destructive thoughts. Well, Blogging is doing "things"… right? I'll tell a tiny wee bit about myself to set the blog stage.

My husband found a woman online who paid attention to him so he went for it. It was out of the blue. We've never even had a fighht and rarely argue. I thought we'd be together forever. When he left, he left me destitute. I've been a housewife, HIS wife, for nearly 17 years. I loved our life together. Even when things were bad, such as debt or illness (mostly on my part), I thought we were together.

On June 9th, my husband was sacked from his lucrative job. His boss said he wasn't responsive and wasn't really doing much of anything. I haved a feeling he was messing around on music websites or just play WoW or some such nonsense. It was stressful but we always cope together with our stress. One month to the day, he told me he didn't want our marriage anymore. I found out, because I'm clever that way, that he had been "talking" to another woman. She's younger, cuter (if you like thin, blonde, slightly snaggled-toothed homewreckers) and more into spending her money in totally irresponsible ways even during hard times and even though she has a young teen age daughter to care for.

My husband (we'll just call him Gordon – since that's his name ;p ) had recently used the small bit of insurance money my father left me to buy himself some shiny brand new teeth. His mouth was a mess. He's Scottish and lived a life full of dental neglect. I was glad to give the money to him (about $15K) to have this done and for him to buy a really really nice camera. This woman (we'll call her Kryssie – since that's her name 😀 )never paid attention to him like this before – and they had met on several occassions with other mutual friends at concerts) suddenly took an interest in him and he responded. No one had paid that sort of attention to him… well, since I did 17 years ago. That sort of stuff doesn't matter to me very much and it didn't used to matter to him. Until now.

Well, to make a long story less long, he's gone to Florida to live with her. He's left me penniless (he sends $700-$800 a month, court ordered based on his unemployment even though I suspect he's working and making at least $90K a year), without medical benefits after the COBRA expires this month (which I pay for out of that measly bit of dosh he sends me even though he's required to provide me with benefits) and in a terrible emotional state. I spend my days, all day long, in group therapy. I self mutilate. I must be the oldest emo brat in the world. And I can't seem to stop. They've just added prozac to my multitude of meds to try and stop the self hurt. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and scared out of my mind. I just can't seem to wrap my hea around what's happened to my life. I was happy. Comfortable. Clever. Snarky in a fun way. And now I feel desperately sad, stupid, fearful of the future, worthless and hopeless. WTF happened to my brain?

Anyway, there's my first attempt at a blog. Or maybe this was just a rant. Or something else entirely. I have no idea.