I think I’ve been neglecting some of my dt friends. I want to say I’m sorry. Please don’t take my silence to mean I don’t care. I’m still here and I’m still thinking of you.
Been a bit confused lately, long story short I feel like the world hates me. Every time I speak I’m gripped by the worry of saying something wrong. Everything I do I’m constantly worried that it’s the wrong thing. The odd occasions I do lighten up just enough to open up I often do say or do the wrong thing.
I just want to be liked, and try to contribute something, but I’m terrified of being involved in anything in case I ruin it.
I want so badly to do right by people who make an effort to be nice but I really just cannot get my head around whether the best thing I could do for people is to just stay away from them.
I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic but my life seems to just be a catalogue of things I’ve mucked up and friends I’ve lost. It’s always been that way too.
I seem to exude negativity to the point that it affects the world around me. It was (at least partly) the negativity exuded by my poor dad (who suffered/suffers a similar condition) that made me like this and now I’m here, going about like a big black cloud darkening everybody else’s day. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and yet I spread it like a plague.
I’m genuinely worried that being my friend might be bad for you.
I just don’t have the courage to go live in a cave.
P.S. I just read my big rant back and realised how morbid it sounds. Please Please Please don’t anyone start worrying themselves (that’s the last thing my conscience needs). I wont do anything rash, as I can’t bear the guilt of what it does to those that care. I will just be here in my tower, passing the time, dreading the future being more of the same and worrying about what to do…