In the past, I was somehow affiliated with the thought that searching for the truth is essential. Though, not the one that reminds religion to some of my friends, not the strict one that is already defined but one that is always unreachable. In other words, I thought that I should go deeper and deeper into knowing things and actually understanding.
That was the second essence. Understanding. I had those ugly traits that my OCD (and possibly other things too) gave me, which people could easilly misunderstand. I couldn’t look people at their eyes, maybe because of the fear of triggering a common spike, thinking violent or sexual themes upon their faces, and someone misunderstood that with the fact that I don’t like him or don’t want to listen to him. And he argued into that with certainity. That was the point where I first underlined the importance of knowing and understanding. If he knew the true reasons..
True knowledge is seeing things under different perspective, trying to listen to the other side (sometimes it’s not easy if their views and acts hurt you, e.g. like listening to my parents), doubting about your beliefs, knowing the vast posibilities out there in the essence of the multiverse (A very primary idea of mine that I’ll discuss in a future post).
With a simple yet insightful example, if I was a “normal” person would I ever had the slight possibility how is it to feel through the brain of an OCD sufferer? I would probably try to explain his behaviour through the way most people do, being aided by public opinions that I’ve been hearing around me. I wouldn’t even imagine that my opinion might be blatant because I mistakenly misunderstand what it wouldn’t be easy to understand if not be living with it. And that could be about someone who tries to understand. Especially, if a “normal” personal actually didn’t TRY to understand ahead of his own regular beliefs, the task would be even more impossible.
And something more interesting is that I couldn’t understand the “normal” people. I couldn’t have the experience of feeling how it is from inside the brain of a person that DOSN’T suffer from OCD! If I had that amazing experience (maybe possible or closely to it after medical treatment?) far before, I would see there is a difference between my brain and his, and so maybe I’d learn very early that actually a mental disorder was bothering me so many year. So, imagine! I was missing a great portion of the truth that I only learned after so many years (I discovered about OCD at 26 and I had been bothered with it even before 15). I couldn’t know how it feels in the brain of a non-OCDer. And I DID wanted to know, I DID wanted to be open, but couldn’t simply imagine what was going wrong in my quest for truth. I tried to understand people by the way I think, not the way THEY think. Now imagine what happens with a regular person that hasn’t lived all these and doesn’t want to understand. Imagine how far the barriers of knowledge is when I am still having a lot to learn (even about myself).
That builds up doubt. And a great perfectionism that blends quite well with my seek for knowing, for understanding and hopefully for trying to show off to people what I’ve learned so far. And even from the beginning, the main reason for seeking a deeper truth was my thought that this is what needed to help people like me and maybe bring a quite different perspective on thinking about this world’s problems. And that became my focus. With the passion that the knowledge will serve something that deserves the whole struggle. To learn more about everything that is happening around me and let this knowledge being used for the better.
An unrealistic focus? It’s the main one that gives me a good meaning to continue living and fighting. Doubt, knowledge, understanding, passion and maybe a little bit of obsession are my weapons.
My blogs here will be about personal thoughts on matters having to do with OCD, mental disorders, society VS the different people and anything similar or philosophical to it. It helps me getting out what I have in mind. I have a lot to share..
p.s. I have some other blogs in another URL. In one of them, I write similar texts with thoughtful stuff. I was planning since a long to write some deeper thoughts on OCD and what I call the deviants (maybe next article) though I never wrote these stuff there, possibly either because I wanted to prepare them to be perfect or needed more research, or who knows why? Though, I decided now to write smaller portions of these thoughts, no matter if incomplete in this blog that has more to do with the whole matter.
p.p.s. I am sorry if this sounded a bit ego-centric ;P
p.p.p.s. Bye.
Thank you! I was happy to get your comment here. Sorry for replying after so long, but I was off the internet for so many days..
Mmm,. in Greece, I think, sometimes it’s an insult/taboo that someone visits the psychologist or a psychiatrist. My family and many elder people are afraid of what the neighbours or other people will say about it. People don’t think about psychic disorders and stuff. Maybe only some younger generations who are pissed of this attitude talk freely about it.
For example, it truly surprised me to find out that my mom had very similar kind of irrational thoughts that really bugged her in her youth (on religion blasphemy and maybe other things too), and she revealed that to me so many years after I recently revealed her that I think I have OCD. But still, she said that she just didn’t cared and find other ways to not care about thoughts, though she is still extremely anxious on several matters (and overprotective or anxious about me which I truly hate and has driven me even more sad in the past) to only think very possibly that it has to do with the chance that she has OCD too (There comes the biological possibility that I got it from her. For some friends, it’s the psychological reason that she just passed her anxiety to me and not the genes). I am thinking something similar about my big brother too (though not maybe OCD but other strange traits), though they followed another way (and I respect this one) to not think about disorders but follow rules in life. Their way, but not mine. I want to know and I don’t care about what people say. And it’s the general attitude, my mother tolds me to not say that to anyone and maybe that other more practical reasons are for what I go through, like my personality/attitude ;P. It’s the greek attitude and fear of elder people against psychology or psychic disorders 🙁
And so I have hardly seen any greeks around, though I think there must be several people suffering from OCD or other disorders around my place. It’s just different culture/attitude/beliefs and I hate that thing in my country..
I should write something about the possibility of OCD in my family members in a future blog. I have some strange, sad or interesting thoughts on these I’d really like to share. Maybe in that group about OCD down to the family tree?
Thanks again and I really liked to write all these big texts above. It’s so nice to find people listening to your thoughts and talking about our OCD issues which really really interests me in my current phase.