Since I have no one really to talk to about this stuff, I’ll just use this blog as my ranting one. I know people here won’t judge me and this all helps me feel better.
I know I’m not that pretty. I don’t want to be amazingly pretty. I don’t want boys to be attracted to me too much. I don’t like boys, they scare me. A lot. I have a boyfriend and I’m not a lesbian, but in general, most of time, boys scare me. I don’t want to drop dead gorgeous. I just want to be more than average.
So I’m overweight. Big deal. I look better that way I think. It shows I’m more… caring, I think, because people think “mom” when they see me. I want that, I like that. I just need to drop a few pounds to be healthier. I’m okay with that.
I’m not the prettiest person. I’m okay with this too. I accept I’ll never look like some porn star or actress. I’ve realised this since I can remember and I’m okay with it. If I wanted to be pretty, I could be. I don’t want to be so this doesn’t bother me.
My hair isn’t the greatest. It’s not the softest and it’s definitly not perfect. I can’t wake up and look like a million bucks. I gotta work on it for an hour or more. My face is kind of icky in the morning. I don’t look like I could go out to the store in my pajamas and get every guy to stare while I shop.
All of this I’ve accepted, I’m okay with. The only time it bothers me is when I talk about Courtney. Not one of my best friends Courtney but Courtney that lives by my boyfriend. Oh I can’t stand to think about her.
My boyfriend and me are two hours apart. Better than some, worse than some. It’s a pain in the ass but we talk on the phone every day for long periods of time, so it works. I don’t worry about him cheating on me, I don’t worry about anything like that. So why do I hate Courtney?
Well, I’m jealous of her. She’s so much prettier than I am. She’s skinny, she’s a cheerleader, she’s got perfect hair, perfect body, cute smile, and goes to school with my boyfriend. I know he thinks she’s cute, I’ve talked to him about it before.
I don’t want him to think she’s cute. I want to be the most prettiest, most cutest, most amazing girl he knows. We’ve been dating for almost ten months… he’s had time to get sick of me, he’s had time to hate me. He doesn’t but I just worry sometimes.
I’m jealous of Courtney because I want to be her. I want my boyfriend to think I’m cute (though he calls me hott, beautiful, gorgeous, and every other thing you could thing of that’s nice). I want to be around my boyfriend. She is everything I’m not and can do everything I can’t.
I hate Courtney because she makes me feel like crap. I feel like crap when I look at her, think of her, or even just… ugh. I dunno, I just hate her because she makes me hate myself. I’m perfectly fine with myself until I see her or think about her. I have great self-esteem but oh no! Here comes Miss Thang Courtney and ruins it and I hate her for that. Hate her.