I guess to start I need to explain that when I was in my 20s I absolutely needed an outlet for gender exploration. I lived with my girlfriend along with her friend, so I had zero privacy to get clothes and try them on, so I turned to the internet. I found interactive porn, but it was shallow, short lived and led to a lot of shame and guilt for the many years of it being my only outlet

Fast forward to the event and at this time my wife did know my gender issues and I kept it to myself with things like nail polish. I noticed I had not cut my pinky nail in a while and it had that nice feminine roundness to it that was very appealing. It made me happy, not sure why at the time but I do know it is a small bit of euphoria, but I wanted to see more of them longer. I did my best to keep them in that shape and somewhat short to not rouse too much attention. I know it took my wife off guard and the reason for the reaction but when she noticed it and said ”Are you growing your nails?” in a tone that sounded more like I was a child being scolded. I just felt like all those years of guilt and shame came crashing down on me and I needed to purge. I ripped my nails off, I threw the nail polish out, I shaved my hair short, and even my Final Fantasy online character, I turned her into the first model of a male human. I made a mantra ”I will not indulge

For one month every time I thought of anything feminine or outlet I just repeated the mantra, again and again. My wife knew something was wrong, my coworkers knew something was wrong, and I kept on telling them ”I’m good” or ”Just tired”. I now know what I did was depersonalize myself, everything became bland, I went on autopilot mode, and time moved differently. I was in a state I had never experienced and I felt truly alone within myself.

I finally told my wife what she said hurt and I’ve not been good for a month. At that point, she just told me to do what I had to do, but if I went too far she might not follow. That is when I started talking to Amy about gender, and Emily/Emilie felt like a sacred name I could never bring myself to use in those interactive… games. I didn’t know if it was my name, so I asked Amy one day at random if she could call me it so I get an in the moment reaction to how I felt. The day she used it I was thankfully alone in a room because I blushed SOO hard and I knew that it was my name.

I know that event is still a scar on my soul, but thanks to Amy lending a hand to help me back up, so was able to take some steps again.