I’m not confused as to why she ended it. She explained it very clearly and I agreed with everything she said. The distance is too much, we are too young, we do need to work on ourselves. But it still hurts. Knowing she’s hurting hurts. All I want to do is make her feel better, but I know I need to let her go. This isn’t fair to either of us.
I’m not mad. I’m just indifferent. Last week everything was fine, and this week I’m singing alone in a dark bathroom and smoking my tears away. I’m not judging my feelings. I’m letting them pass. I don’t know what I’m doing. In five minutes or tomorrow or the next day. The plans we made are all cancelled now, so I guess it’s Fuller House and cheese cake for a few days.
I’m going to a mental health group today. It’s been a long time since I even considered going to another “teen support group.” But I’m not in school and I can’t just sit here all day, wallowing in my own self pity. I need to make friends, get a life, not be so scared of the possibility of getting hurt again. I’m very anxious, social anxiety doesn’t help my case but I know everyone there probably feels the same way. I shouldn’t be so scared of being judged, because everyone’s caught up in their own world and they got no time for my issues. I remind myself that this isn’t going to matter in a year or two. The pain will pass, like it always does. It’s the in-between part that’s the hardest to get through.
I’m trying not to be mad at myself. Everyone warned me this would happen, and I even warned myself. Was the pain worth it for five blissful months of being hers? I’d like to think it was. I know I’ve locked myself in a fantasy world with her, I’ve gotta break out and join reality again. I don’t want to. There’s nothing more I want than to stay in our own little bubble, but she popped it with her pretty nails.
If anyone’s going through a hard time right now (and you made it to the end of this pointless rant), there’s always a silver lining in every bad situation. It will get better, I promise.