Hello Everyone,
I've never been a fan of journaling or keeping a record of my feelings although I have discussed and pressed the importance of doing so many times to others. So, I am giving it a try myself.
I have struggled with depression for several years. I went on medication to manage my depression about 8 years ago, going off of the medication after about a year. I went on and off the medication 2 more times with the last time being about 5 years ago. I stopped because I felt as though I had developed the skills to manage my emotions to keep the depression away. Even now, I feel as though I am just being dramatic and still consider myself to be functioning pretty well. I get up in the morning, I keep myself clean, I go to work, I eat, I keep appointments, etc. I have not gone back on the medication because I feel as though the only time I go to the doctor's is to ask to be put back on the medication. I have only been to the doctor's for 2 or 3 times in the past 8 years for reasons other than asking to go back on my depression medication. Illogical reasoning too stay off of it, I know.
However, I feel alone and isolated from the world. I feel as though I can't connect to other people or be the type of person that is remembered when the interaction is over. I feel forgetable and invisible to others. I work a typical monday thru friday job and I come home with the only task of waiting to go to bedfora few hoursjust so I canwake up and do it all again the next day. I have no motivation to leave my house or interact with others. No one reaches out to me so it's not like I have to actively decide to be isolated, it just works out for me. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and watch the clock all night.
I also feel emotionally numb. I feel as though I am a puppet and I have to tell myself when I should smile, laugh, nod my head, act interested, etc. If I don't tell myself to do these things then I just remain stoic which furthers my disconnection from those around me. Interactions no longer feel genuine to me, everything feels forced. I have difficulty focusing on tasks at hand and even recalling what I did a few hours ago. It has become very frustrating to me because these are important skills to have, especially in my field of work.
These symptoms started about a year and half ago and have gotten significantly worse in the last six months. My husband tells me that I am negative and only bring people down. I try to convey how I feel to him and I end up defending myself because he feels personally attacked and becomes defensive himself. I do not feel as though I have a support system. It's hard to convey my feelings because I am not in a difficult place in my life. On paper it's a pretty decent life so it's hard to ask for sympathy from others for what feels like no real reason.
I am not sure if this is a trigger but I became obsessed with death a few months ago. Definately not killing myself, so don't worry .I think aboutdeath everyday and havegraduated into obsessing about the howI will feel when those who areclose to me die. WhenI will be truly alone until I die.Thinking about dying fills me with this overwhelming, crippling,and cold feeling, but I can't help panicing about the idea of not exisiting. Of just going away, it's terrifying and it's going to happen to me and everyone around me. I used to be religious until about 8 years ago, coincidentally. It is not a belief system I have been able to get back.
Through this website I would like to try to keep a record of my feeling and significant events.Hopefully I can find a connection that can help me regain control of my depression. I would be welcome and appreciative to any support offered.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I can't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I had a difficult time finding a medication that worked. Then I went on and off–a few times due to thinking I should be able to manage on my own and some times when I was influenced by others. I also heard the "you are negative" thing from my husband (but in my case I had become negative being off my meds and trying to deal with his behaviors). I have finally totally accepted that I need the medication. Depression is a reality. I will probably always be on medication. I know I am so much better with it. It is not a cure.. I still have bad-rough days and times. I have and could easily slid into being stuck in self pity and never getting out of bed. With meds I function so much better. Working has helped. I have somewhere to go and something to do. I feel needed and appreciated. I also have difficulty making friends-real connections. Everyone in "real life" seems to just be busy with their own lives. For me taking the meds, staying busy, exercising, taking care of myself makes me fucntion better. I am not a Pollyanna personality but I have learned that staying focused and trying to stay positive really do help. DT has really helped me. I go into chat -most people are very supportive, accepting, understanding and non-judgmental. I get help and I give help. I think people who don't struggle with depression, may try to understand but they just don't. Maybe it is just too basic, but I believe with everything in life there are 3 choices. 1. stay exactly the same-exactly where you are, 2. give up or 3. make changes-. To me # 3 is my choice–it is often difficult. To me change means day to day-stay focused , try to stay positive, believe in me, believe in my faith, and doing the best I realistically can day to day. My light at the end of the tunnel is becoming my best possible realistic self. Like I said, I am not always successful. I continue to fight self destructive behaviors but I continue to fight for me. I fight for the good life I want and that I know I deserve. That is my adivce-believe in yourself, reach out to others in "real life and on DT-get that support and understanding—that sounding board when you need it (be there to support others-being needed is a wonderful vital feeling), trust and believe in yourself, be gentle with yourself (all of us make mistakes and have bad days), keep helping yourself, and absolutely know that you are valued and you deserve a good life. My core belief–the purpose of this life is caring about and for each other. Take care of you.
It is amazing to me how much your words spoke to me! I feel completely isolated and rather like a puppet myself too sometimes. I get out of bed everyday and go through all of the motions expected of me. But find I am only counting the hours until I can go back to bed again. I am on medication though and I have not quite found the right medication but was forced to seek medical help by my actions towards my family. I found I was going to only push those who loved me most away without help. And I have to say your obsession with death seems almost identical to the way my son was feeling before we got him on the proper meds. I too struggle with thought of death…not suicide…but death. I understand your words more than Im finding it possible to convey. I am commenting to offer you support. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Im sure of it!