I've never been a fan of journaling or keeping a record of my feelings although I have discussed and pressed the importance of doing so many times to others. So, I am giving it a try myself.
I have struggled with depression for several years. I went on medication to manage my depression about 8 years ago, going off of the medication after about a year. I went on and off the medication 2 more times with the last time being about 5 years ago. I stopped because I felt as though I had developed the skills to manage my emotions to keep the depression away. Even now, I feel as though I am just being dramatic and still consider myself to be functioning pretty well. I get up in the morning, I keep myself clean, I go to work, I eat, I keep appointments, etc. I have not gone back on the medication because I feel as though the only time I go to the doctor's is to ask to be put back on the medication. I have only been to the doctor's for 2 or 3 times in the past 8 years for reasons other than asking to go back on my depression medication. Illogical reasoning too stay off of it, I know.
However, I feel alone and isolated from the world. I feel as though I can't connect to other people or be the type of person that is remembered when the interaction is over. I feel forgetable and invisible to others. I work a typical monday thru friday job and I come home with the only task of waiting to go to bedfora few hoursjust so I canwake up and do it all again the next day. I have no motivation to leave my house or interact with others. No one reaches out to me so it's not like I have to actively decide to be isolated, it just works out for me. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and watch the clock all night.
I also feel emotionally numb. I feel as though I am a puppet and I have to tell myself when I should smile, laugh, nod my head, act interested, etc. If I don't tell myself to do these things then I just remain stoic which furthers my disconnection from those around me. Interactions no longer feel genuine to me, everything feels forced. I have difficulty focusing on tasks at hand and even recalling what I did a few hours ago. It has become very frustrating to me because these are important skills to have, especially in my field of work.
These symptoms started about a year and half ago and have gotten significantly worse in the last six months. My husband tells me that I am negative and only bring people down. I try to convey how I feel to him and I end up defending myself because he feels personally attacked and becomes defensive himself. I do not feel as though I have a support system. It's hard to convey my feelings because I am not in a difficult place in my life. On paper it's a pretty decent life so it's hard to ask for sympathy from others for what feels like no real reason.
I am not sure if this is a trigger but I became obsessed with death a few months ago. Definately not killing myself, so don't worry .I think aboutdeath everyday and havegraduated into obsessing about the howI will feel when those who areclose to me die. WhenI will be truly alone until I die.Thinking about dying fills me with this overwhelming, crippling,and cold feeling, but I can't help panicing about the idea of not exisiting. Of just going away, it's terrifying and it's going to happen to me and everyone around me. I used to be religious until about 8 years ago, coincidentally. It is not a belief system I have been able to get back.
Through this website I would like to try to keep a record of my feeling and significant events.Hopefully I can find a connection that can help me regain control of my depression. I would be welcome and appreciative to any support offered.
Thank you for taking time to read this. I can't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.