When I was a little girl my mam and dad had always got on as I remembered. When I turned about 4 I saw things that no one would ever wish to see, my parents argued and worst of all my dad was a maniac and was very abusive. I remember him always as a really bad person who I feared more than ever! Me and my dad use to get on really well, we all went on holliday for my 9th birthday and that was the day I feared him most. He got very abusive with me and that was when my mam and dad split up for the first time. Thats when my depression started, I blamed myself for it all, all the arguing, all the abusiveness and the reason why they split up. A few months later my mam and dad got back together, everything was going fine, I was starting to feel better but then all the abuse started again which carried on till i was 11 and that's when my mam and dad split up and at the time I was so happy because I wanted my mam to be happy and get away from him, and with the people she loved. I have a little brother and a big sister but when my mam decided to move up to Stockton me and my little brother moved with her but my sister insisted to stay with my dad, which I feared! We moved up to stockton where my mam met a new man, I liked him, he was nice and treat her amazingly. But a few months after moving to Stockton, me and my sister fell out. I was still going down for visits to see my dad and his new girlfriend and her daughter Emily which I have known all my life, we were amazing friends. Everything was going great and my dad was calming down and he wasn't that abusive anymore, instead he abused drugs and alcohol which made him weak and sensitive. He would cry to me about how he messed up on life… blah. I found out that my dad and his new girlfriend were having a baby, I was go excited! and when she was born she was such a cute little girl! Looked the double of me. But then everything went down hill. Me and my dad started arguing and we stopped talking which meant I couldn't see my little sister. That's when I was diagnosed with a serious case of depression, my dad had told me he had abandoned me and wanted nothing to do with me, later on, a couple of months after, my nanna that lives in Holland stopped talking to me, she wanted nothing to do with me either. I miss my baby sister more than anything, she will be 4 now. Anyways, I tried my hardest to forget about them and concentrate on the people that loved me the most. I met a boy, called George. He made me feel happy to be alive. Everything was going perfect between us and I felt safe with him. I loved him. He broke up with me a while after, he was after another girl, wow that made me feel crap and not good enough. My self asteem was gone! Vanished! After that i started fooling around with lads and I got used for sex alot. Then a couple of weeks later and here I am, hopless and still chasing after the boy that made me the happiest but also the crappiest. I have loving friends and a loving family but sometimes that doesn't stop the pain in my heart and the scars. All I can say is I'm feeling a lot better than i used to be and I hope in a few years time I can be happy again. It took a lot of courage to write this down and post it in a blog for anyone to see. Don't judge me okay.

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