I am a 26 year old female who suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety and alcoholism. I am currently unmedicatted. My bipolar disorder leans on the deppressive side more. My life is a complete mess right now. And the last thing I need is pity or a band aid of "it will get better" yeah it will get better for 2 months and then I will be right back where I started. The problem is nobody understands my mental illness. About a month ago I tried to kill myself. I ate about 80 random pharmaceuticals. I was seeing triples and couldn't really walk. I ended up vomiting in my kitchen sink and then I passed out for 12. Hours. I woke up to a nasty note from one of my roommates about the puke. So I txted both of them and. Apologized and told them that I overdosed. I know rookie mistake but I felt like I had to have a reason for it and I didn't want them to be mad at me. Half an hour later my roomate, his gf (my former best friend) and another friend showed up at my house. They ended up calling an ambulance and we ended up at the hospital. After waiting many hours I end up talking to a psych nurse and she clears me to leave, and then my former bf ends up telling the nurses that I am lying to them. So at this point I was enraged, so I told my roomate that his gf was questioning her sexuality and thought she was gay. Which is true. I know it was immature of me, and I acted out but I was being faced with being locked up for 6 weeks. In the end I ended up getting cleared to go home after a lot of arguing. So my roomate. Ended up staying at his moms this entire month and ignoring virtually all my texts. As awful as it felt I realized that I have truly traumatized him, and that he couldn't be around me. Meanwhile former best friend was still talking to me and offering me support. Unfortunately one of my other friends decided to "choose sides" so to say although he had nothing to do with the entire situation. And he has been ignoring all of my texts too. So that's 2 friends down. Now keep in mind that I only had 11 people I would call my friends to begin with. The rest are all acquaintances . Finally my roomate came over and talked to me the other day and let me know he was moving out. Which I was able to accept and realized he had to. It still hurt a lot because I loved this guy. Meanwhile my suposid best friend decided to ignore all of my texts for the entire week. Therefor we are not friends anymore. So that's 3/11 friends down. I broke the news about our roomate moving out to our other roomate and he ends up telling me he is actually moving out too. And later on that night he ended up putting a hole in the wall. So now I have lost 3 friends and both of my roommates. They are both in the position that they have way more friends and actually have family's they can rely on. I feel completely deserted by everybody and am faced with the prospect of being homeless again. Like everybody hates me cause I'm a fucking psycho. I have lent out thousands of dollars to all of these individuals. I did about 75% of the cleaning at this house. I cooked them meals constantly they cooked me a meal for my birthday and haven't at all other than that. I have given out so many beers and smokes to these people with no questions asked and never a return. I would have done anything for them. I almost died and they have disappeared from my life. So much for support and trying to help deppressed friends. When you don't have many friends, the friends you do have mean the world to you. This really has not helped with my suicidal behaviour. I am so fucked

2 Comments
  1. outsidein 6 years ago

    HI, i do not have the answer as to why people are that way, but it happened to me as well. It has been quite a few years since the initial seperation, but it was hard and is still hard.  I have learned to move on from it because truly the issue was not me as much as it was them not being able or having the desire to understand me.  Mental illness carries such a stigma and that in itself is sad. 

    I truly hope you find peace with this and please take care of yourself. I wish you well.

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  2. Beautifulfreak 6 years ago

    I too have bipolar and I have lost family over my 'actions' and my daughter who now lives for her father ( she is 8 years old today)  I too have very little friends and the ones I do have are either in another country or miles away from where I live.

    If you ever need to talk I am here as I can relate all too well. Fighting the urge today to not cut or OD it's been 3 months since I cut and OD so I've been there and yes it is bloody hard to get through day by day espcially when people who you thought cared actually don't and can just throw you away like a piece of rubbish.

    Take  care.

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