Was in the middle of writing a blog a few days ago when i fell asleep and lost it and forgot what it was even about. Its hard because i feel so bitter constantly on missing out on any sort of normal childhood or teenagehood. Now i look at myself and i am old. I havn't even worked up to it, straight out of the womb and instantly an adult. No social life experience inbetween so i dont even know how to function at the level a hild does. I can't get in. Its just constant embarrassment and you have to pretend you dont care while all these highly sophisticated communicating people are so happy makingsure you dont end up in their social circle. theyre also happy about the fact that at least theyre not this bad. I can see it light up in their selfish smiles. then again im guilty of trying the same teqnique to make myself feel like i have control. I tell myself,at least i can move, speak,read and write. Some people are truly trapped and cant do any of them things. Some people are truly trapped alone or trapped in a body.Anyway im trapped alone and thats what it is. Im so terrified of people but also terrified of them not liking my presence. Maybe thats the only reason im terrified of them. Im trapped in life though. I cant get myself out. There are reasons these lessons have taught me that i need to.stay but its soo complicated. Its not just a case of one direction, its a case of doing things in the right order,just like when im having a conversation with someone,to make sure they get me right because they always get me wrong ifi let them try and read me in their own wrong way. Im just ageing and dying slowley completely alone and i dont know how to feel about that, its so hard to deal with. I wish people understood me and vice versa.

1 Comment
  1. Author
    ace00017 8 years ago

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling excluded and missing out on something but not being sure exactly what that thing is.

    I wish I could say something useful here but I can't. I could say something like "it'll get better when you get older." People have been saying that to me for the last 10 years – it's crap. I could tell you another platitude but I don't want to lie to you.

    I'll tell you one truth though; I understand and am here if you want to chat

    Jack

     

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