Life can be a cruel pain in the butt. Life for me started out normal, or so I thought. I grew up thinking it was okay for your own mother to yell at you for something insignificant, and calling you ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ for the smallest thing. I grew up wondering if my mom was going to go ‘postal’ if I pissed her off. I walked eggshells around her. I grew up with a woman that I didn’t know, and couldn’t get to know. All my life I tried my best to please her. Nothing was ever good enough, so I built up a wall.
When I was 14, a close friend of mine was murdered. That in itself is a hell of a toll on a kid. But after that happened, my mom constantly put in my head that if I went anywhere, the same thing might happen to me. I figured ‘she’s my mom, she knows best’. She fed off of the fear that I had and played ‘mind games’ with me. I was always too afraid of everyone to let them get close. I was too afraid of anyone getting in on my side of the wall.
Still to this day, I have problems dealing with what was said to me by her. My whole adult life I have struggled with major depression. When my husband, my daughter, & myself moved to Georgia, I thought this was a chance to get myself together and finally tear the wall down. It helped in some ways, but not completely. So, I went to a counselor to help me. It did for the time being. Then my husband’s business started to crumble and we had to move back home to Oklahoma. We just couldn’t make it financially out there. Again, I went back into a depression. But, I at least had my husband and my daughter on my side of the wall.
I was able to find a job when we came back, fairly quickly. Little did I know it was going to be another ‘fall’ for me. My boss ended up being just like my mom. Now, I wasn’t just getting verbally attacked from my mother (which she is still doing to this day), but I was getting it at work too. It was all too much for me, so again, I went to seek help from the dr. I struggled with finding the right medicine (I’m still trying to find the right one). I had some ‘close calls’ where I almost decided to end all of my pain. One moment was very close. But, I had a very close friend that basically saved me and talked me out of it. She saw what I was going thru at work (she worked in the same office), and saw what it was doing to me. She helped me at work, while my husband helped me at home. I now had two wonderful people helping me out on my side of the wall.
I was afraid to let anyone get past my ‘wall’ that I had built up around me. The only ones that I allowed in was some family members, and the friend that I talked to that night. I’ve never let anyone else in. I’m too afraid of getting hurt again. Well, after getting fired (for unknown reasons), from the company that I spent 2 agonizing years with, I started to feel a little bit better. Just a little. I started noticing that I’m going down that path again that I’m getting a lot of the same feeling that I had before. The friend that I had let in thru my ‘wall’ has stopped talking to me entirely. It normally wouldn’t bother me, but I confided in her. I did so because she understands exactly what I have gone thru with the depression. She understood the ‘ups and downs’ can happen at any given moment. She was the only friend that I let in on my side of my wall.
I have my husband to comfort me, but after so much that he’s been thru, I hate to have to bother him all the time. He has been with me thru so much. It’s too much pressure for any one person. That’s why it was good to have a friend to talk to about it. But now, I’m hurt because I feel like my friend has turned her back on me. I let her in on my side of my wall.
It’s lonely on this side of the wall, but at least I know that my husband, my daughter, and some members of the family won’t hurt me. I WILL NOT be hurt again, I will be more cautious of who I let in on my side of the wall.