MY LIFE.

Well I have decided to share my story for all to see and it has been a long time coming,so here goes.

I was born in 1970 the third child and already my father had left the family home.Shortly after being born my mother went into a mental institution for a while and I with my brother and sister went into care,my father rang social services and I quote “The children are no concern of mine” this was the actual words in my care file.My mothers boyfriend who became my stepdad was  unable to look after us as he was an alcoholic who had a gambling problem,so into care we went.My mother married her boyfriend and they had two more children together making me the middle of five children.

My early years were spent in a very turbulent household,it was nothing to see my mother beaten infront of me and to see the house smashed up in their violent fights,and I mean the whole house, windows and furniture you get the picture.My mother went into an institution a few times in my early childhood and thus we all went into care at those times as there was nobody home to look after us.

We moved around some what,especially in the early days and I think this due to the fact of my parents loosing the family home,having to move because of the type of relationship they had.

Most of my early childhood has been erased,no matter how hard I try from about ten years and younger there is nothing,but blank and empty space in my mind.As I have looked into this a little I have found possible reasons for this,I have learned that my mother tried several times to murder me during some of her rages,this included holding me under the water in the bath to hanging,she was stopped during these attempts by my stepdad and one of her old friends came forward and told me that she had stopped a hanging attempt,but all this went unchallenged.This went on for years and their violent relationship continued with his drunkenness and her unstable mental status,during which we all, to some degree suffered abuse of  some kind.

Unfortunately for me I was singled out a lot for many reasons,my stepfather took a definite dislike to me from very early on,and my mother often vented her anger on me as I reminded her of my own father,I endured physical,sexual and mental abuse all my formative years from both parents,but mainly from my mother.Childhood was very much a life or death rollercoaster right up to the time I disassociated myself from my parents in my mid twenties.All my formative years were spent socially deprived and in very poor status and in a divided household where my stepfathers children ruled above me.

My teenage years were very complicated indeed having the normal stresses and the added problems at home.It was around my early teens that my natural sister started having problems,social workers got involved through the school and this caused serious problems within the household.My older brother by then was working and rarely home and my younger brother and sister were too young to understand fully.As a child I was very polite and intelligent,my mother used this to her advantage when the social worker would be coming to the home,she would sit me down slap my legs several times and warn me to “not put a foot wrong or else”,and I obliged by greeting the person and talking with them all the while trying to tell them with my eyes please help me.My sister was taken into care by the social services and placed in a mental hospital for some time as she tried to commit suicide,after leaving hospital things seemed to quiet down,due mainly to my stepfather having a burst ulcer which nearly killed him.Things didn’t change too much and again we were on the move.We had not long moved to a new area when my sister finally killed herself using her own medication,I was seventeen at the time.Things went really downhill from there for me and I suffered greatly until I was finally thrown out onto the street at eighteen.When I was twenty I met a girl and we fell in love.The night I first saw her I said that I’d marry her and I did.Only when I started my life with her and our children did I realise that I had suffered as a child,and this caused very serious problems for me.Some how we made a life together and I pushed all the hurt of the past into the back of my mind,I suffered from terrible bouts of insomnia and nightmares and unknowingly depression and anxiety.

We had many crazy wonderful years together and raised three of the most beautiful children in the world.Then my wife took ill and was diagnosed with terminal cancer.The day we found out she asked me to promise her,that she would die at home,I made that promise and nursed her at home and she got her wish.It was with her death that I finally gave in and came forward to start and talk about my past.

As in all my life I did it all on my own with no family to support me in time of need.No parents to call on when my wife was ill,most people take for granted that their parents will be there for them,I always knew mine were never there for me.

From my wife and children I truly started to live and love like never before and I enjoyed every moment of it to the full.Now that too has gone and again I have to rally and muster all my strength to go on.My children are the most important thing to me in this world , their happiness and guiding them through the tragic loss of their mum is my last promise to her and I keep my promises no matter the cost.

There have been terrible times and wonderful times in my life.At the end of it all I still have the one thing my parents feared and tried to beat out of me,it was the capacity for unconditional love,those few who make it into my heart will be loved thus, of that I am sure.

There is so much more to tell,but I think I’ve said enough.No matter how hard life can get all can be overcome with love given and received.