To Everyone that wrote me yesterday:
I feel obliged to write today, firstly, I want to say thank you, each and every one of you that commented on my blog, wrote me messages and messages on my guestbook. Your words were so kind, caring and compassionate- i have never felt so cared about. So again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
As you might have guessed, last night was not a good night for me. I felt lost, helpless, worthless, almost every negative emotion that you can feel. I didn’t know where to turn. Its strange because all day i knew that it wasn’t going to end well. I had prepared myself, and was content in the fact that i wasn’t going to see the sun again. So I got my bottle, got my blade, got the pills. I was ready. It was such a strange feeling. I wasn’t sad… I WAS READY. So i wrote my blog, basically my note. It was then the tears came, so i drank more to numb the pain, but it didnt come. Once the blog was completed, the tears stopped. I ran the blade accross my hand, my stomache, my neck, my wrist, deciding on where would be best… where was it going to do the most damage. I then got a message from my aunt, wishing me happy new year, and I started just telling her how I was going to die tonight. Was she a contributor in me being still her today? YES. While I was txting her, I started talking to Mike on MSN.. He stopped me.. he kept me talking, until i realised that the sun was coming up.. i was alive still.. If i were to kill myself, i wanted to make sure that I would be DEAD before anyone found me, and being that my family would be up in an hour or so, I was sure this wasn’t going to be the case.
So my plan was foiled. I know the ones that care about me wouldn’t say "foiled" but thats how i see it. I can’t say that i’m still not going to try.. i can’t do that… What i can say however, is that i’m truly sorry to cause so much worry. Especially to Mike and Bethie. I love you guys.. I’m sorry that i’m such a mess. I just hope that i can be forgiven, for now at least. I’m trying to be strong for you, I just don’t know how much longer i can be strong for.
I havn’t been so on a knives edge (Bad use of words i know) than i was last night. I don’t know how i didnt end up at the hospital, i don’t know how i didn’t end up dead… I do know however that i’m selfish, I know this, and I don’t know if there is anything that i can do to change that.
So again, to everyone that I worried, i’m sorry. I know i seem to be saying that alot, but i don’t know what else to say.
Thanks for reading.