Having nothing to do on New Year’s Eve doesn’t concern me in isolation, but I start to become concerned when I look back on my life and think “Hmmm. You’ve never really had anything to do on the weekends have you?”.
Even though I’m not worried about it, it still hurts to think that your entire life has been a complete waste of time. I don’t know how to soothe that pain.
I didn’t spend too much time reflecting on the previous year last night. I had to process it so many times I just don’t care anymore. I’ve tried to kill myself twice, lost my job, and grown a beard. That’s all the summarising I require right now.
Ah well. I’ve learnt that you can’t rely on other people anyway. All you’ve got is yourself, and I’m glad I’m not pining for company as I used to. That doesn’t mean I didn’t curl up in a ball on New Year’s Eve and cry, but it does mean I didn’t act on the suicidal thoughts that came along with it.
It actually scares me a little that it doesn’t go away completely. It will always be there to haunt me, and I just need to manage it.
Anyway Housemate B has finally moved out. I defriended her on Facebook and deleted her phone number from my mobile phone. She never said goodbye to me, but I have all the closure that I require.
All that’s left for me to do is take it one day at a time. I’m getting so tired of all this.
The augmenting drugs I’m taking allow me to get to sleep, but only for six hours. No matter what time I go to bed I’ll always wake up six hours later. The lack of rest is starting to wear me down. Even though I feel better on the new antidepressants I’m not sure I can handle the lack of rest for much longer.
I’m just hoping my mood stabilizers allow me to sleep for longer when the dose is a bit higher. Speaking of which I have forgotten what day I am supposed to increase my dosage. Whoops.
Stuff it. I’ll just increase them tomorrow. It seems like it’s been about a week yeah? Phfft