My OCD has been all over the board lately.  I have been hugely struggling.  There are some real stresses in life that have been a contributing factor I am sure, but I just can't seem to find the peace I am so longing for.  Well, I should rephrase that I get peace and then I lose it and then I get it back and then I lose it again.  It's a constant struggle.  I am a Christian and my faith seems to help me immensly but there are so many more things in life that I would like to experience that I'm getting held back on.  Right now it's very hard for me to hold a relationship.  Thank goodness my family loves me and that their love is unconditional, but it's really hard to find someone to date who really "gets" me.  I was talking to a friend this week who does understand and was telling them about how hard that is.  Yes, there is a part of me that is very fun and very high spirited, but theres also this side that I need support on and it seems a very hard thing for anyone outside of a fellow OCDer to understand.  I want someone I'm with to know, to research it, to ask me questions and to be there for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I feel like everyone that I've dated, I either had to hide it from or I would tell them about it and they'd be like "oh yeah, that must be hard" and then they forget about it again.  I'm not making this up people.  I think, quite honestly, if someone I was dating told me they struggled w/ something, I'd try to find out as much about it as I can so that I could better understand them and what they go with from day to day.  Am I asking too much for them to do the same?  So on the flipside, I've kinda given up dating for awhile and not sure that's such a great thing either.  But other things seem to be coming up that I need to focus on.  Work is not great.  You all know that sometimes it takes everything in you to try to stay focused at work.  That's been my struggle lately and I feel that it's starting to show in everything I do.  I can't even seem to care about anything outside of myself and my close family and friends.  Bills are getting ignored b/c I just can't seem to get myself to sit down and write a check.  I feel like I'm hardly keeping it together.  And I've also been noticing that after a hard day at work and facing everything, that I can't wait to get home and have a glass of wine.  While I don't think this behavior is necessarily wrong, I'm wondering if I'm depending too much on that release. I should probably start tayloring those habits before I have another problem on top of this one. 

My OCD is highly obsessive with non related compulsions that I work into the mix.  I've been diagnosed and tested by an OCD specialist in Chicago and am borderline severe.  My biggest struggle is my obsessions and letting go of them.  My compulsions are not typical to the obsession though.  Such as, "if I don't drive over that railroad track w/  the right thought in my head, something bad will happen."  It's almost like superstition I think.  Totally the worst thing when I feel that my faith in Christ should conquer all that.  Then I start battling with that thought — can I really be a Christian and dealing w/ these thoughts?

Arrrrgh.  I usually have it so much more together than right now.  As you can see, I'm all over. 

Can anyone offer any help or guidance to how they have dealt w/ these things? 


1 Comment
  1. StickyBrain 13 years ago

    Thanks so much for responding Lenotra!  I am in counseling now and am inbetween meds (another reason why it's surely spiking right now).  Just trying to keep myself calm enough to function.  I've lived w/ it for years so I should be "used" to the spikes by now, but they never get any easier do they?!  Grrrrr!  I'll make it though, don't worry.

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