I just joined this online source, I don’t have enough money to afford a counselor. I have been to multiple in the past though. I guess I’m going to wrap up a part of life since I feel I cannot talk to anyone and this is anonymous. A little about me to start off, I am a 26 year old single mother with two children, I have a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. I am going to cosmetology school and working side jobs to make extra money. Cleaning, I decorate cakes, baby sit, I try to transcribe after the kids are in bed.
I’m going to get very detailed because I have not been able to.
I’ve been on and off with my depression since high school, taking different medications and stopping. I’ve always been scattered brained so I find it hard to remember, I have gotten more organized as I’ve grown. It is still very hard though. At 18 graduating high school I got engaged and got pregnant we were together for 2 years, we had baby boy. After initially having him it was the happiest I had ever been, I was a stay at home mom and did every once loving nurturing thing I could with him. I love that boy so much it makes me want to explode. Time passed and being a young mom I just don’t think I was ready to be tied down with marriage, I started subconsciously acting differently towards my fiancé. I loved him, but I was scared. All of it started to just, frighten me. We eventually separated and I stayed with my parents, that was the first bout of real depression I have felt. I didn’t know a person could feel so, not human. Confused, regret, embarrassment, pain, failure. I then proceeded to have a one night stand and got pregnant, again. By a man far much older than I and is an avid drug user. Out of sheer loneliness I made that one night mistake. Knowing I am not for abortion punching walls and realizing I was not giving up on a soul because mine was lost at the time. I would get my shit together and have another baby. Scared that I was so young and wouldn’t have help from this father I did it anyway, because I am strong and I know I could do it. My motivation sky rocketed more than ever, With Being a few months pregnant I applied to Kroger to be a cake decorator. I was hired, I got got a house on low income housing. Thankfully I had family that gave me their old vehicle. I was set up, that part of my life still melts my heart as I’m typing. I haven’t been that happy in a long time. We live in a small town in Texas where we would go to the state park and go to museums, all of our bonds were so tight no one could compare. People looked up to me, I had messages come in from Facebook for advice. I used natural remedies and structured my home to be happy but in place. I had a tech come in and compliment me on only being 21 and having my mindset. After working there for a while I decided to move up and apply to TDCJ (Texas department of criminal justice) I got a job typing travel cards for inmates, I unfortunately made too much money now to live where I was at. Next to my childhood house where my great grandma (mother) had was an efficiency I could live in, with my sons car bed that I strapped on top of my car that I got off of Craigslist for 50 bucks driving back from a town an hour away, lol next to mine. And setting up a curtain on an extension rod to the kitchen where I set up my daughter. We stayed there for a while, my great grandmother started getting Alzheimer’s and eventually needed to move in with my other family and thankfully he let me live in that house. I felt on top of the world. The way I viewed life I felt like a different person compared to now, life looked different. I started going to CNA night classes, I was doing it. I eventually had someone I had known since I was 14 move in with me, the love I had for this man was unreal, I eventually he bought him a car, got him a job with my family. He had issues with Xanax and his depression was something I shined a light on. At that moment in time with my little family, that felt right. That’s what life was supposed to feel like, love that wasn’t forced and you could be yourself. I had everything I ever wanted. He liked to joke a lot so the day he said he wanted to get married one day I couldn’t believe it. His mother even told me he had never been so happy. But…. as they say, good things don’t last forever.
Issues started coming in, alcohol and drug abuse. My frustration trying to help someone who wouldn’t help themselves especially when you are in love with the person. We started fighting, i assume (I say assume because I’ll never know for a fact, but I am not stupid) he cheated on me with 3 people. After driving myself crazy from hurt and disappointment I decided to leave him.
… now, 6 months later I met someone. He was handsome, charming, seemed too good to be true. It’s hard to explain this person, and the feelings I had. My young stupid self eventually had him move in, for a few months he was like I said.. charming, helpful, kind, he showered me with compliments. One day, he had asked me what kind of drugs have you done? Well, I’ve smoked weed in high school, I did cocaine a handful of times in school as well. Nothing else, still to this day the look he gave me should have told me but I was so blinded with this fascination of this, person. I couldn’t see bad. He eventually started leaving and takin my car and said he was “hanging out with friends” or “going on a job” after a certain point I thought he was cheating on me, naturally from the past. So I went with him. We went to a house that looked normal on the outside. On the inside on the tv there were cameras on it. Okay so I’ve done drugs in high school, they must sell weed or something right? We sat down around a table and the person I was with assured his friend I was cool, his friend pulled out a bag of meth. I thought it was cocaine or something. That person I was with had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to try, not even mentioning WHAT it was, I said no I’m good. He proceeded to ask me multiple times, with the friend even saying “I really wouldn’t push this on anyone but that’s just me” guy I was with, begged. Said it was his birthday, (which it was) the next day. I started feeling overwhelmed, so I tried it. And that’s when my life went down hill. And I will add to this, I know I have a choice, but at the time with an ex con and manipulation. You would just have to be there to understand. This was 3 years ago. He eventually brought these drugs in my house, at this point I was too scared to tell him to not do anything. He took roids, on top of meth when he looked at me when he was mad I swear I saw the devil. But when he offered lsd, molly, and all the euphoric drugs, I thought I had met the best man in the world. I fell in love through drugs. Still taking care of my babies but having this overwhelming new look at life. It eventually got dark though, I started hallucinating. Getting scared. Hammering myself inside the house so he couldn’t get in. Him threatening to kill me. Finding weird letters in my back shed on top of his bag of a spell casted to him by an ex (it got really weird) him thinking he was God basically. He had a disgusting fetish that to this day I have not told a soul and it’s been 3 years, he did things to me that just now getting the courage to get looked at, my doctor is very concerned. I was too scared to tell him no so I let treat me like, I don’t even know what to describe that as. I felt dead, I felt ashamed, I was scared. I was so scared. I finally slipped away a night to help my grandma since he wouldn’t let me go out. That night I called him and a girl answered. I finally had a reason to leave. He at one point got a ring and used it to dangle over my head, the next day I called his mom she came out and I gave her the ring. Crying and looking her in the eyes telling her I know this is your son but he is a bad man.
I’m so sorry this is long but I have to let it out.
During that process when he was living with me I lost custody of my son.
I had a battle with my daughter as well, I won.
I’ve been off for about 2 years.
He is in prison now, he still tries to write me. Throw them away every time. He is a sick terrible evil person. He changed my view of life and not in a good way.
Now I’m time, me and my daughter live with my dad.
I’ve been in school and doing good, but, the actual love I had, before that traumatic experience. I always spoke on and off with him after that experience, I always have. I still love him and told him I’ll always love him no matter what. Me forgiving him and him knowing that the only thing that stood between us were those bars. (Xanax) that man texted me days ago saying can we just get married already. He died the next day. He died three days ago and I feel lost. I’m almost done with cosmetology school I have 89 hours left, I can’t stop. I’ve come so far but that was my person. I’ve never lost anyone close to me so this is making it extremely difficult. I cried for 7 hours straight that day, my sons dad called me that morning checking on me, him even knowing how much I loved him. I found recording just days before he sent of me telling me how much he cared about me. I feel sick just typing this. I don’t have friends, I’m just trying to make it through school so I can have my own place and have peace. I have one girl I talk to but I don’t feel comfortable opening up about things. I tried an anti depressant months ago and I felt like I was just blah and I already feel so much “blah” now, that I was to have the little ounce of happy I have left. I want to start taking them again, especially after losing the one person that I thought i’d Make it with. I’m crying just typing this. I don’t know what to do like I said I can’t afford a counselor and I had to let this out so here I am. I’ve been abused, I’ve been made a mockery in my town, everyone that heard what happened with that disgusting human being thinks I am who I’m not. I just keep going. I go and go and go. I feel empty inside but I just do it. I want to feel again, I’m broken I’ve been humiliated. My only happy comes out when I have my kids. Outside off my kids I’ll just be there. I take multiple melatonins at night so I don’t have to think about anything. I just don’t know at this point. The sad thing is I know I still have high hopes for myself because I really am a badass that will conquer a whole hell of a lot, I have a lot of aspirations but I don’t tell anyone because when you tell people things they like to pick it apart. So that will be for when the time comes. But after having my love for days ago with the last thing him telling me was can we just get married already, is f****** my head up. I don’t know