My story starts way back…..I can’t remember an age but I was little. Must have been around 4 or 5. I grew up with 4 brothers and one sister. I am the youngest. My mom was a single parent. Most of us are half siblings also. Okay…So my brothers hung out with the wrong people. They got into drugs, fights, alcohol and more. My mom wasn’t exactly mentally stable. She did hurt my siblings. Apparently bad but I was too young to remember that. My mom also suffered a lot of emotional abuse from them. I was a little girl and I had to watch the four of them scream at her and sometimes push her to the ground. It was probably also the reason I suffer from social anxiety. I remember good times but a lot of bad. My brothers got arrested a lot and I just remember being so scared at night. I couldn’t sleep alone and I had separation anxiety from my mom. I could barely go to school alone. My brothers moved out because of the violence they caused and my mom got help. I did get put into foster care before as well. I also remember being hurt in there. Apart from that, when I was little, I know I was sexually assaulted from my two brothers. I think it only happened once…I can’t bring myself to even admit it. They were young and dumb. I told my mom when it happened but to this day, I don’t know if she understood. One of my brothers that did that to me, was also assaulted by my brothers and he suffered from mental problems too. That brings me to grade 6. My brother attempted suicide. I was hurting from it. That was when my depression surfaced. I didn’t want to be in a cruel world anymore. I had a best friend in grade 6 who helped me through a lot. In grade 7, we moved to a different school from everyone and it was hard to leave everyone. By the end of grade 7, I had no more friends, I couldn’t talk to anyone and I suffered from a lot of panic attacks. My best friend and I got into a fight and my two other friends got involved. Those two made it so my best friend would hate me and then my last two friends excluded me. They couldn’t help themselves but to point out all of my flaws. In grade 8, I had one friend who I never compared to. She managed to make my confidence disappear. We moved schools again because of the drama and another ‘friend’ came with us. The same friend who excluded me. (sorry if its confusing, i dont want to put names) anyways, last year, grade 9, she made up lies and hated me after a while. She threatened me and told me to commit suicide. So did a lot of people at school. They pushed me to hate myself. I dreaded school every day. Eventually, she was kicked out of school. My sister had a mental breakdown that year too and a lot of people made accusations towards me because of it. I had only two friends last year and one of them drifted away. In the summer, I broke down and almost killed myself, I wanted to. I lost all of my friends, so I thought. I didn’t see worth in myself no matter how hard I tried. I could bring myself out of it, I didn’t know how to. My depression hit me hard for two months and I was bedridden. I couldn’t go anywhere. I hurt myself before and once I did, I regretted it. I tried online therapy. I know I should have done real therapy but I can’t. I could never let my family know about this battle. This year has been better. I made a lot of friends and I am thankful. I would just stare at my reflection and wonder why I was doing that to myself. Why I would tear myself down. Right now, I am trying to improve myself. I still suffer from panic attacks and my depression surfaces time to time but it isn’t as bad as it was. I fear relapses but I am trying to be stronger. The past week, I tried to smile but it wasn’t real. I know I have to keep going, I don’t want to lose myself again. It is hard, but it is possible. I just wanted to share, I never have before and it feels good 🙂 My heart goes out to all of those people who are suffering still, you have the strength to make it better, even if you need a little help. There is always someone open to talking and it takes time. Keep going. My prayers also go to those who didn’t make it…I love you all, we don’t know eachother, but I would do anything to keep a smile on someones face 🙂 xoxo stay happy and stay strong **Hugsss**