We have a running joke at work about having company gun day. There is no validity to this save that most of the guys I work with hunt in their personal time so we joke about letting off steam from work with shooting guns. The guys always tease me about how I probably don't know how to shoot a gun and if I did it would have to be a pink one. Even when I have explained to them that I was taught to shoot a gun when I was very young and although not something I do in my off time I have been taught to handle and shoot a gun properly. Yet they still make jokes at my expense.

Today was rubber band Friday at work where we basically wail on each other with rubber bands. One of the guys I work with made a rubber band gun since I imagine we will never have company gun day. It was amazing and I took that gun and mercilessly shot at my co-workers because it had been a horrible stressful day and this was a great stress reliever.

It was all fun and games till I took a picture of the gun because lets face it something that fantastic needed a picture. Then the jokes started about how I could never make something like that how I was such a girl and so on and so on.

I have always had a very tough skin for this kind of stuff as I grew up with a constant onslaught by my father. But since the OCD became this huge event in my life I live so much in my head thinking "are they right?" "They must be right I must be exactly what they say I am." I know this isn't true I know that if they realized how horrible this made me feel they would stop saying these things and apologize yet I keep reliving this over and over in my head and somehow have turned it into my fault.

I realize I should work through this and keep telling myself that this is not me that it's not who I am and I should stop beating myself up. Instead I have been online for the last hour looking up rubber band blueprints in an attempt to make a pink rubber band gun that will cause bruises. Nothing about this seems healthy.