I am not a psychologist or anything like that but I do have some thoughts about how physical and emotional abuse that happens to us when we are young, can create the mess we are in as adults. I say this not only from my own personal experience but also learned experience from a number of others who have shared their abuse with me. A common theme for a lot of us is childhood abuse of one type or another. I don’t think any one is better or worse than the other, they are all harmful and destructive.

So in my case I was both physically and emotionally abused until I was 17 years old. Pair that with a strict religious upbringing that used guilt as a motivation to be good. From a very early age I remember being wildly attracted to girls and women. Every single time I saw a female that I felt attracted to I would have thoughts about what I wanted to do with them. Of course I wanted to see them naked right off and then I would dream about the multitude of sexual acts I wanted to perform on them. I’d imagine that I was able to unlock their wild side and let them have their way with me. None of that was romantic, it was all about physical pleasure. This part of me didn’t include my thoughts about being that girl, those thoughts came at an entirely different time. Times when I was alone and maybe feeling lonely or sexually unfulfilled. In the past I always assumed that dressing up was my way to have a woman right then and there. If I couldn’t have one I’d try to become one in some way. I certainly enjoyed that and those thoughts and the feel of the clothes made me happy for a while. I always feel comfortable as a woman, I feel that is the real side of me, despite what my physical body says. Being a woman is what I have always wanted and my desire for that has never changed. Why is that?

I have a new theory. Since it is obvious that a single woman cannot satisfy me, maybe I am not as heterosexual as I always thought. Maybe I am gay. Maybe I am bisexual (which seems more likely) but haven’t been able to accept that is who I am. The guilt thing could do that I guess. Growing up when homosexuality was considered an illness made me push those feelings down. The thought of doing anything sexual with a man or boy was gross to me back then. How and when did that change? Maybe I have been repressing homosexual feelings all along and thinking of myself as a woman makes it all OK. If I am a woman wanting to take a man in my mouth is absolutely normal. If I’m a woman having a man penetrate me is absolutely normal. Maybe this is why I prefer to dress as seductively as possible. Maybe this is why I want to be seen as a desirable woman. I want a man to look at me and want me the way I want a woman. I want him to look at me and think the way I do when I see an attractive woman. I don’t mind being objectified as a woman because that validates my feeling like a woman. My thinking that I want to satisfy a man while being seen as a woman may only be a mask for my homosexuality. Maybe the reason that I can have so many women and only be satisfied for a short while is because deep down what I really want is a man.

If you think I am just batshit crazy please feel free to tel me. If any of this makes sense let me know that I might not be all that crazy.