I’ve got a headache that’s making my entire face hurt. That’s how long I’ve been crying. Crying over someone you don’t know feels very silly but there isn’t much I can do about it. Today I’ve cried over my dad like I never have before. Even my teeth are hurting.

He left when I was a baby and I’ve only seen him a handful of times in my life. I instantly want to make some sort of joke to deflect how much that hurts but I won’t. I want to figure this out and I want to do it now. My therapist has been telling me to trust my own experiences so I will.

I only remember him from the last time I saw him when I was nearing my teens. We had a big fight that last day he was in town. I don’t remember telling him anything too bad but I do think I was angry and I let it all out. He wasn’t too happy with that.

For years I looked back on that memory and I felt some sort of pride. Like I’d hurt him back for hurting me and my mom. But after that day he never came back not even once. Not one call, not anything at all. He has his other family that keeps him busy I guess and he doesn’t really need me.

But I used to think that he never did anything for me. I found out that he used to send money to me when I was a kid. My mom said it was barely anything and barely ever. But I don’t remember ever hearing about that before. My mom swears up and down she told me a million times but I don’t remember it at all. She got as angry as a beehive getting hit with a stick.

Those are the two things that really hurt. My mom and my dad. She gets so angry and defensive and makes things about herself. She’s done it my entire life to the point that I don’t trust my own mind. I was so sure she’d never said anything before but as the hours pass and I hear her stomping around and being angry I keep asking myself, are you sure? Maybe you’re wrong? And now I feel like I must be crazy and this is all my fault. I hate that she’s made it so I can’t believe myself.

The fact that my dad sent money hurts too. It hurts in a way I never expected it to. It means that all this time I thought he was living it up without a second thought for me but that he never forgot. He’s not father but at least he remembered me. But he hasn’t come back since that day. I must’ve drove him away. I don’t feel proud about that anymore.

I know that he isn’t an angel and that my mom isn’t the devil. I know that getting a little money from him must’ve been no help to her in raising me. I know that sending money and never showing up isn’t what dad’s are supposed to do. And I know that even if I was mean and even if I did say terrible things I was just a kid and that he shouldn’t of left and never came back. Besides I don’t think I was that terrible anyway. I said he wasn’t my dad. And he wasn’t. He never had been. Dad’s raise their kids.

I feel sick sick sick to my stomach I really do. I wonder if he’ll ever be in my life. If he cares at all. If he thinks about me. Maybe he doesn’t. He wouldn’t of left like that if he did care I guess.

But I don’t feel like talking to my mom either. Now I have to deal with her. I have to apologize for having feelings and soothe hers.

I feel so much pressure on all sides. At the same time I feel utterly alone. I don’t have the strength to deal with any of the things I’m feeling. I’m just living through them because it’s impossible to die without something actually wrong. Oh! And they took my favorite show off of Netflix. Damn it all to hell.

  1. lecourage 1 year ago

    Hello orangetree,

    I was very moved by what you wrote about your dad. The father if my children is narcissistic. From what you have told me, that might be the case for your dad as well.
    My children’s father does not have the ability to care for others, not even his children. He says he does but nothing he does (or doesn’t do) reflects that. He is unable to love anyone but himself. He expects them to call him and do the things he likes to do with them, never the things they like.

    I feel enormous guilt for having chosen such a father for my children. They are in their mid twenties now and understand narcissism. It’s like missing the part of your brain that cares for others.

    I might be completely off track with your father. I hope so. I just thought this might help you. I hope it didn’t make it worse.

    Take care, live your life without a father, don’t take on your mother’s well being. You need to let your feelings out. Don’t bury them. I buried mine my whole life and I’m a mess.

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    • Author
      orangetree 1 year ago

      Thank you for leaving some words of advice. In times like these I never really know who to turn to. I know my dad so little I wouldn’t know if he were a narcissist or not. I think he might just be a coward. He stayed with his other family and claimed each one of those kids and his wife and idk. I’m the only kid he has who he won’t love. So maybe it’s something else.

      But let me just say as someone who was raised by a single mom, you’re awesome and I can’t imagine it was easy. Raising not one but several kids without a dad is a big feat and you should be proud of yourself for doing that. Sometimes its easy to forget our parents are just people, people who struggle just like us. I’m sorry you had to deal with a man with so little love to give.

      I’ll try to take your advice and see things from a new perspective. Idk if this is something you’ve experienced with your kids but without a dad the mom cares for the kid and the kid cares for the mom. I’m so used to taking care of mine I never learned how to take care of myself. But I’m old now and I’m trying.

      I hope you learn to care for yourself too <3

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