I’ve got a headache that’s making my entire face hurt. That’s how long I’ve been crying. Crying over someone you don’t know feels very silly but there isn’t much I can do about it. Today I’ve cried over my dad like I never have before. Even my teeth are hurting.
He left when I was a baby and I’ve only seen him a handful of times in my life. I instantly want to make some sort of joke to deflect how much that hurts but I won’t. I want to figure this out and I want to do it now. My therapist has been telling me to trust my own experiences so I will.
I only remember him from the last time I saw him when I was nearing my teens. We had a big fight that last day he was in town. I don’t remember telling him anything too bad but I do think I was angry and I let it all out. He wasn’t too happy with that.
For years I looked back on that memory and I felt some sort of pride. Like I’d hurt him back for hurting me and my mom. But after that day he never came back not even once. Not one call, not anything at all. He has his other family that keeps him busy I guess and he doesn’t really need me.
But I used to think that he never did anything for me. I found out that he used to send money to me when I was a kid. My mom said it was barely anything and barely ever. But I don’t remember ever hearing about that before. My mom swears up and down she told me a million times but I don’t remember it at all. She got as angry as a beehive getting hit with a stick.
Those are the two things that really hurt. My mom and my dad. She gets so angry and defensive and makes things about herself. She’s done it my entire life to the point that I don’t trust my own mind. I was so sure she’d never said anything before but as the hours pass and I hear her stomping around and being angry I keep asking myself, are you sure? Maybe you’re wrong? And now I feel like I must be crazy and this is all my fault. I hate that she’s made it so I can’t believe myself.
The fact that my dad sent money hurts too. It hurts in a way I never expected it to. It means that all this time I thought he was living it up without a second thought for me but that he never forgot. He’s not father but at least he remembered me. But he hasn’t come back since that day. I must’ve drove him away. I don’t feel proud about that anymore.
I know that he isn’t an angel and that my mom isn’t the devil. I know that getting a little money from him must’ve been no help to her in raising me. I know that sending money and never showing up isn’t what dad’s are supposed to do. And I know that even if I was mean and even if I did say terrible things I was just a kid and that he shouldn’t of left and never came back. Besides I don’t think I was that terrible anyway. I said he wasn’t my dad. And he wasn’t. He never had been. Dad’s raise their kids.
I feel sick sick sick to my stomach I really do. I wonder if he’ll ever be in my life. If he cares at all. If he thinks about me. Maybe he doesn’t. He wouldn’t of left like that if he did care I guess.
But I don’t feel like talking to my mom either. Now I have to deal with her. I have to apologize for having feelings and soothe hers.
I feel so much pressure on all sides. At the same time I feel utterly alone. I don’t have the strength to deal with any of the things I’m feeling. I’m just living through them because it’s impossible to die without something actually wrong. Oh! And they took my favorite show off of Netflix. Damn it all to hell.