Hello. I’m Jas. I’m 17 and I identify as non-binary.
Gender was never really a question for me. I guess, that was because I was desperately trying to fight away all the other bad happening in my life at the same time. Yes, I’ll admit. It got too much, but I survived it like most of us do. Rough patches don’t last forever, things improve and people grow stronger. See it as a learning curve.
I’ll be honest. I’ve tried getting professional help for my mental health since the age of 13. All of which has been disappointing. Personally for me, I never found any part of the process helpful. I think sometimes this came down to the fact that I was never willing to open up and communicate sensibly with my counsellor. – But hey? That can stay in the past.
I think gender wise, things started to change for me at the age of 15/16. So not too long ago. I started to feel disconnected with my body. I would often experience feelings of numbness, just pure confusion I guess? I mean, some days I use to look into the mirror and not even slightly recognise the person staring back at me. No story, no hope. Just a human.
Who were they? I’ll never know.
But listen. For so many years I’ve been presenting myself as a female, just because I felt like I had to. I worse skirts, occasionally wore makeup and did everything I possibly could to make myself appear feminine. – Without realising none of it was actually me. I never felt like I could act or dress outside the gender binaries and start exploring the way I personally wanted to because I was scared of the people around me. I dismissed the whole thing it at first, thought it was just a phase and hoped that it would pass but it never did.
Even though I’m not completely out yet, I’m not afraid of my future and as soon as I’m 18, I’d like to think I can see a gender therapist, start taking testosterone and eventually get top surgery.
The way I see it is, life didn’t come with a set of instructions did it? We weren’t told at birth that “this is how you’re going to live your life and this is what you’re going to do” although I guess it sometimes does feel like that. You have every right to live how you want, the choices that you make shouldn’t concern other people unless you intend to hurt someone – which is not okay.
Break the binary rules and go wild.