At my parents’ place in Wisconsin. I am glad to see them, but it isn’t easy being here. My anxiety is running really high. I haven’t been here since I was still on dope, and I had to smuggle shit with me, and sneak around to shoot up so I would not get sick. So nerve wrecking…
"But it’s best to finish as it started
With my face head down just staring at the brown formica
It’s safer not to look around
I can’t hide my feelings from you now
There’s too much love to go around these days"
I am starting to feel pretty disconnected with the whole DT deal. Maybe, it’s because I am accustomed to getting feedback from the people here, and I haven’t been getting any lately. I am probably just being self absorbed. I just lean on this page, a lot. Maybe too much… I have never done well with loneliness. This site has always been a way for me to dodge that with some amount of connectedness (however disembodied it may be, in this medium). I won’t give up on these blogs just yet, but lately, it does kind of feel like I am just talking to myself. And, I could use a hard copy journal for that. Whatever… I am probably just selfish and self centered.
There is so much that I want to say – so much on my mind. My thoughts reel by so quickly. It’s been a pleasant visit, but I can’t wait to go home. Early in the a.m., I will head back. Charlie even offered to meet my train – a very sweet gesture, given how early I will be getting in. I just can’t wait to wrap myself in everything that feels familiar, like a warm blanket.
Hot cocoa and a smoke in my own living room, with a little Star Trek in the mix… that will feel right as rain.
And, tomorrow afternoon, the dominatrix photo shoot is finally happening. I hope to get some really groovy shit for my portfolio. It should be a good time. Maybe, I’ll actually wind up feeling good about this weekend.
Still trying to out-think the mania – the meds help, but it ‘s still there. I am fighting the good fight, and staying off smack, and all, but I still get really turned around and over-emotional, at times. I can get upset at myself for feeling good about something. Or for feeling bad… or, I find myself analyzing the past, and scolding myself over every memory. I fucked up so many things. Lost touch with so much of myself… before I’d even completely grown into myself. And, there’s still so much to figure out. So much…
I mean…
who the hell am I? (And, please don’t say "Kit" – I don’t have amnesia. I just feel out of touch with… just about everything.
I keep having dreams about that monster from my past. He’s the boogeyman in all my nightmares. He’s any blurry shape I catch half a glimpse of, out of the corner of my eye. He’s the outline I can’t quite make out, inside every shadow.
He’s the reason I believe in evil.
"You say I’ve got another face
That’s not a fault of mine these days
I’m brutal, honest and afraid of you"
(Belle and Sebastian "There’s Too Much Love")
