One year has passed since I found out I am positive, even now I can't get over the fact that you gave me this disease. I was once told that in order to move forward you need to forgive but in a situation like this I don't have any reason to forgive the coward that attempted to ruin my life. I understand now why you said no one would want me after you, because you tainted me. I don't like the fact that I can't forget you, to me its not fair that you are safe where no one can get you. In my mind you should get what you deserve, which is to stay in jail until you die. You should not be allowed to be apart of society, or at least not canadas. But according to laws you will onlu get maybe 5 years and to me that will never be good enough. Words honestly cannot describe the hurt, hate, and anger I feel towards you. I have to deal with all these crazy emotions I have and learn to deal with the past. I know exactly why you never told me or at least I think I do. If people or my family and close friends would have found out what you were doing to me it probably would have gotten you hurt or worse…killed. Not only did you hurt me but many other people who love and care about me. Honestly the safest place for you may very well be jail…well for right now. I hate that I have all these should've, could've and would've thoughts. I know I can't change the past, but it will always be apart of me, that kinda helps me deal with the present. I do what I have to in order to make sure I'm healthy, because I come first. I will never forhive you and you can bet I will never forget the worthless, self-centred person that did this to me. Did you keep me around because you knew eventually you would get busted? Was it the fact that you had me wrapped around your finger and thought I didn't have the strength to leave you? You know when I first found out I could'nt figure out who it was but something kept me wondering about you. I had hoped it was a one night stand, and not someone I had trusted and thought cared about me. But after I had found out it was you I knew exactly what my chances were especially when I looked back at our relationship. I thought I was smart and could never get screwed over like this but unfortunately I was wrong. I learned that I wasn't invincible and felt stupid because I should've listened to everyone that tried to tell me something wasn't right with you, but then again I was in love. I knew you were messed up but I thought it was your mind not HIV. Thanks to you the person I thought I was is dead and I no longer want anything to do with society, but I need to create a new me. I can try to understand what you went through when you found out but I can't understand how you could be so reckless. Spreading HIV should be at the top of the pole with murder but because science has came so far thats its not considered a death sentence anymore. Maybe you never payed much attention to the resources and information but the disease is manageable if you really care about your health. Just because someone screwed you does not give you the right to do it to anyone else. I really do hope that when everything is done and you serve your sentence that you hurt like you have hurt so many other people. It's the law to tell people your status, either you be honest about it or don't deal with people you know you might infect and hurt. Growing up I was taught you think before you act, every action has consequences and you hit the motherload. You should have done the right thing instead of being an idiot! There is so much help out there that there isn't any reason to screw up or hang on to all the "grief" that comes with having HIV. Its so hard to ask for help and believe me I know but its always there waiting. It took me 9 months before I broke, because after I found out I went numb and then exploded which is not good for me or my health. This disease will kill you if you let it and so will the memories but you do to others what you want done to you. Please tell me what you think!

1 Comment
  1. ms83poz 10 years ago

    hi Chrissy, you're right where you should be. I'm sorry that you're here, but it sounds like your trying to proceed towards your future. Just like you said about the medical side of it, you will have a future ( if you desire to ). Keep writing Chrissy, & we're here for you  ((xx))

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