My Story

I have for the longest time thought the relationship I have with people and my family was normal. I would try to get along with my parents and siblings. I also would try to make friends at school but I could never fit in. I first started noticing the disconnection I had with people around 5th or 6th grade. I never spoke to my mom about it except for the fact I was severally bullied. From being called names to almost being beat up. I never understood why I was being treated this way. I thought I was the problem. I wasnt nice enough. I wasnt smart enough. I wasnt good enough. I would come home everyday from school exhausted from the day and go into my room and cry for hours until I fell asleep. I never wanted to feel that way but I just did. I tried everything to try and fit in from drinking to drugs to sending explicit pictures because I seeked validation from others. Every time I got close with someone they would show me exctly why I didnt want friends. Didnt mean I wanted to be alone though. I got also bullied via social media. Instead of my mom comforting me I got my phone tooken and yelled at. I am now currently in my junior year of highschool and it has been utteral hell. My 8th grade and Freshman year were far worse. My 8th grade year I was harassed and threatened that 12 people were going to jump me. It was all because I didnt tell my friend a secret of who I had a crush on because I just didnt want to tell her but my other friend knew and she told my friend that I didnt want to tell and she got md at me for not telling her. She said stuff like “Do you not trust me”, “Are we not friends”, Youre such a bad friend I hope you k*ll yourself.” The only person I had to comfort me during that was my friend Lamar. Lamar was someone I could always depend on. Him and I had our ups and downs but he was my soulmate in a friend form. I would cry and cry out to him and he would listen to me. The only downfall of all of it was he was friends with the girl that was bullying me. Lamar was moving to Arizona in a few days and the day I tried to say goodbye to him her and her friends made sure of us not being able to hug and say goodbye. Unfortunately I do not talk to him this day because he got a girlfriend and he cut me off because she was uncomfortable of him having friends that are girls. I accepted that I was no longer able to talk to him which saddened me but had to move forward. My freshman year I met this guy. His name is Josh. He was the best guy, he cared about me, frequently texted me and showered me with hugs. Eventually our relationship took a turn. He touched me in places I was not okay with. He pressured me into sending explicit pictures of myself and threatened that if I didnt he would k*ll himself. He would also say things like “You dont care about me” “You wish I was dead.” I stayed with him. A few days later he cheated on me. The girl he was with would harass me at school. Her and her friends would shoulder check me and the pictures got spread to a few people. I wasnt proud of it but I was scared that if I hadnt sent them he would have commited, he had suffered with mental health issues so I tried my best to keep him alive. Currently as I stated I am a junior in high school and still attending the same school. The bullying is still bad but my previous friend Albert and Adrian have been harassing me at school for several months. I am 18 and have been in a relationship for 2 years with a guy I met on xbox. He is older than me and Albert knew that. It is a legal relationship. Albert has been telling people around the school about it and trying to ruin my reputation and has been calling me names in person and over text. Albert and I never had a issue until I rejected him freshman year because I wanted to maintain a friendship. On top of everything I have been going through issues with my mom at home. My mom and I argue everyday or every other day. I have been going to therapy about it and my therapist had labeled it as emotional abuse. I never thought of the way my mom talks to me as emotional abuse. I have been used to it for several years, My mom tells me how she gave up her life for us in a way to make us feel guilty. My mom has had alot of health issues that make me feel bad for the way we fight daily but regardless of what I do It is never enough. I keep up my grades and keep my room clean but my mom always yells about chores. She only ever talks to me if its about chores. She never asks about my day and never asks how I am doing mentally. I feel like im just a burden to her. I just want my mom to care about me. I feel like she loved me but then the next moment it seems like she hates me and wishes I was never born. A child should never worry about whether they are loved or not. A child should never worry about if they are going to be kicked out over forgetting a chore. A child should never feel like they dont have a place in this world. I would never wish the pain I have felt and feeling on another individual. I am just trying to get through each day. I often feel like giving up but I want a future for myself. I have already been looking into college and careers but I dont even know if I will make it to that point. I appreciate those that have stayed to the end and read my story.