I\’m up still at 3:00 in the morning…partly probably because I\’ve been having sleeping problems for a while, but I know part of the reason why I am wide awake is because of the horrible, gnawing, guilt feelings and obsessive thoughts that I am having right now.
This is not something that I\’m new to. These "guilt attacks" have been plaguing me for years…torturing me to the point of suicidal ideation.
What triggered me tonight? A show on television on which a 19 year-old girl was preparing to tell her parents that she was having sex, and sometimes unprotected sex. This immediately made me think of myself, now and at 19. I was 19 when I lost my virginity, and although I have only ever been with the one man that I was in love with and dated for about 2 and a half years (we broke up this year), I am still held captive by the guilt from my actions. I am Catholic and always believed that I would only be with one person, and the person that I would spend the rest of my life with. My parents also probably had the same hopes for me. And now that is ruined. I can not go back to that relationship that ended up being emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. I used to tell my parents everything that I ever did wrong. I have kept this from them.
I have to tell myself over and over that they don\’t need to know that we had premarital sex. I am not able to tell myself that what I did was okay, because I know that it is not. But I absolutely can\’t change that now.
And so my insides are twisted with guilt and thoughts of disappointment and hurt. I almost feel like I can\’t breathe. I can\’t do anything else and I can almost barely move.
I don\’t know how to deal with this. Otherwise I wouldn\’t have posted such very private information. Please let me know if you have any advice for me that might help me to feel better or look differently at the situation.
I have these "guilt attacks" about other sins or wrong doings as well.
Can anyone help? This is related to OCD, right?