So apparently this is my decided upon therapy for now. I've often said that if you say something out loud sometimes it doesn't sound the same as it did in your head. So I thought if I work through things and write them down, maybe I'll be able to work on these feelings in a healthier way. Right now I'm just ready to build the walls around me a little higher, ok, a lot higher, to avoid hurt. The problem is that it gets lonely in here. So let's see what I can do about this.
Obviously I don't want to be this way since I'm looking for help. I've told a couple people I was thinkng of seeing a shrink because I'm afraid of how these feelings are going to hurt my marriage. I just don't have the time or the copays to do it tho.
I am the product of a divorced marriage, that turned into my mother marrying a man who was both mentally and physically abusive, and it turn many of their problems were blamed on me. I wasn't a bad kid, I was just inconvenient for him. I was, and still remain strong-willed, and that wasn't a battle he wanted to take on head to head. Problem is that he managed to brainwash her into believing that I was in fact the problem and it turned awoman, who probably shouldn't have had kids in the first place, into a person completey void of care for her own daughter. That man has been dead for nearly 10 years and I thought, in my own little fantasy world, that when he was gone things would get better between us. Seems that she's chosen to hold whatever this 23 year grudge she has against me and that feeling was nothing but a pipe dream. She doesn't speak to me, not to my kids, and it would honestly be easier on me if she was dead instead of 15 minutes away from my house. At least if she was gone this sense of not being worth a damn thing might not exist. Because how do you assume to be worthy of anyone caring about you when your own mother doesn't? This is my battle.
My birthday is tomorrow and I want nothing more than for it to disappear. I shut off most of the things on FB so that people can't post on it. Why? I don't want to be a name on a page you perused by and saw it was my b day so you posted HBD on it. I have this overwhelming need to be needed. Not just by my kids, but to just a few people. For someone to care about me. I seem to have surrounded myself with a lot of narcassitic people and I feel like I constantly give and give but it never comes back to me. And then when I try to plan something to get together with "friends" they often have something else to do…or they'retoo tired. I take it personally when I come up with an idea and no one seems to want to do it. But then if someone else were to come up with the same idea people jump at the chance. Is it really wrong that I feel like its me? So now I'm supposed to go out to dinner this weekend for my birthday and I feel like I'm this big imposition to everyone. I mean, to my husband, hey, it's a meal. And he's always good as long as there's food involved. But to everyone else it doesn't hold any importance to them. So why is it wrong that I want to build the walls and hunker down?
See? I wrote it down, and this one sounds just like it did in my head. I don't know if this was a good therapy session or not…