I'va had a strange day mood wise… Still high from my new friend, but low from my time with the ex and work today… It's hard to pinpoint why i feel so scared, lonely and ill at ease, but it's there, so, i may as well try to deal with it…

I snuck my way into sleeping in bed with my ex. He wanted me on the couch (well, more his new gf did, i still dont believe that he cares where i sleep.) He went to sleep early and i pretended that i was watching a movie. I always fall asleep halfway through movies, so, when i started one he knew i was sleeping in bed, he suggested i go to the couch when he said he was going to sleep. he didn't stop me from starting the movie, so i didn't move. i dont think he likes that he cuddles with me in his sleep. it may not be what he wants, but his body still seeks mine out. i was good and didn't even try to have sex with him. i tried waking him up to go smoke with me before i left for work, but he was still fast asleep and didn't want to wake up. i tried telling him how i had wanted to ask him a question last night but he fell asleep before i could, but that didn't work either, so i sent him a text on my way to work saying that my coworker and friend had asked why he didn't ask his new gf to go up to ks with him, and that i thought that was a very good question. haven't heard back yet, i think he's pissed, either because he knows the answer to that question and doesn't like it, or the bed thing, or both. it could also just be that i'm paranoid and he's too busy with the first day of school to get back to me. i guess we'll see later if he gets back to me and what he has to say…

I fully believe that we can share and experience the emotions of those that we are connected to in some way, mainly bf/gfs, family and close friends, but i know it can extend past that as well. So, i've gotten fairly good at recognizing emotions that aren't my own, but it's still very difficult for me to shut them out. and sometimes i dont even want to. i find that i can most feel the emotions that pertain to myself, like i can easily tell when someone is mad at me, or is feeling upset because of me. Today i felt that quite a bit, but i also felt the kindness of my new friend, and so it was very conflicted and troubling. i wish i could tell what the anger was caused by, and wish i could stop the connection between him and i, i want him out of my head!

and my bank account is already almost empty, i owe my dad money and went to try to get it for him, found out i've somehow spent $250 since friday! so now i have to find a way to talk my way out of that. also not sure how i'll be able to buy my smokes and gas for the next 2 weeks… i dont know how this will work, i may have to rely on my "other" job, even tho i dont really want to, but it is easy money, and socialization too… we'll see i guess…

but right now, i'm exhausted and need to start fixing dinner for the family. i'd rather take a nap.


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