My sponsor has been out of town and I've missed our weekly get-togethers pretty intensely. But this Sunday, she'll be here and there'll be lots to discuss.

Lately, a lot of my standard madness has ceased and there's a lot more peace in my brain. But since Nature abhors a vacuum, instead of having some kind of mental vacation, what's started seeming obvious is that after a ton of work and change, the stage is set for- guess what- some more work and some more change.

And it feels like it's going to be about the things I think of as the bigger obstacles to my being a responsible, procuctive member of society. Scary!

You know: my problem with authority, my lack of follow-through, my inconsistency, my tendency to space out and be disorganized, my inability to get along with others, my trouble with listening and following directions, learning how to pick my battles and prioritize.

The things that are my biggest weaknesses that make me unreliable and dependent.

I don't expect these shortcomings to be removed overnight. I know from experience, though, that I will have a hard time maintaining a realistic perspective. I will have a hard time being patient with my own progress and feel overwhelmed- as though there's so much so wrong that it's hopeless.

Knowing what to watch out for won't make it seem any less real.

The big things that I struggle with are not looking at these challenges as though it's my job to fix myself and yet remembering that acting my way into better thinking works better than thinking my way into better action.

These are shortcoming that have haunted me since my teens. I think of them as the life lessons that other kids got while I was busy running from my pain and learning about how to chase the High. Essentially, I'm talking about learning to play by the same rules as everyone else.

This is the first time in my life, though, that these things have actually seemed possible. And I can't imagine going any further in pursuit of my wildest dreams without these changes happening.

Luckily, I have a lot of love in my life from my girlfriends in the fellowship here. I hit meetings about 5 days a week, I have the best sponsor in the world, I take care of my mental health ala the Second Step by seeing outside help and I have plenty of support and places to go for experience, strength and hope.

And I have a willing spirit. I still expect a certain amount of getting my butt kicked- this disease is tenacious and entrenched deeply in me. But in the past few years especially I have seen addiction lose its stranglehold on some of the oldest places of pain in my life. I feel more peace about the chaos and damage of my past than I ever have. If that's possible, anything is.

I'm a big fan of the Replacements and I remember feeling so sad for their singer Paul when, after years in recovery, he told a friend of mine not to believe that Anything Is Possible. I thought: I hope he's wrong. I believed he was then and I still do. But this is only hope. Now, what I'd like to do is see for myself that he was wrong. Time for hope to become faith and experience.

Wish me luck and pray for me.