There was a time when I did this simply because it made me happy.
I used to regularly sit down and just write whatever, simply for the sake of writing. Right now I’m writing to keep myself sane.

I’ve been clean since September 27th. For around four years I regularly smoked heroin, beginning casually until nearly completely took over my life. It almost cost me my job and my family, and I know people in NA who weren’t nearly as lucky. I somehow feel like I unfairly sobered up before the time most people do, hitting the nefarious “rock bottom”… I still used for quite a long time, and got to that point without everyone knowing about it. That’s the blessing/curse of the functional addict; they get to spend more time ruining their lives with their D.O.C. because they’re clever enough to manipulate everyone around them.

I hate what heroin made me become, the time it took from me and my kids, all the times I was shitty to them because I was dopesick.

I’m on the straight and narrow now, trying to claw back what little I clung on to before drugs entered the picture. I was a songwriter and singer but using took away my creativity. I’m getting a new guitar soon (recovery gift to myself) and I’m going to start playing again soon… nervous and anxious about it, but for the most part I’m filled with a wary but positive anticipation. I keep reminding myself its going to be work at first; I have to get back into the rhythm of practicing all the time again… strengthening my hands and arms again to prepare would be smart; I keep procrastinating but I’ve wanted to start working out again since I stopped using, too.

The scariest thing for me is facing the huge mess of who I am without drugs. The emotional abuse my father put me through for years. Being a closeted bisexual for the majority of my life, keeping that part of me hidden because my homophobic father made me think I was disgusting and wrong. I have a shit time getting close to people.
I have two step kids and one biokid that I love dearly, but I’m afraid my relationship shit is going to fuck them up. I’m terrified of that.

Since quitting the drugs I’ve steadily improved but I’m never satisfied. And I seem to be a bigger sugar fiend than ever now. I’m eating like an orphan on a perpetual Halloween. All that lovely weight I lost using heroin is rapidly diminishing.

I feel for all of you out there, hope you know we can struggle together, that’s what makes life livable. Regardless of what you’ve gone through, someone out there cares, someone out there knows what its like. <3

4 Comments
  1. lucywinterburn 4 years ago

    You should be proud of yourself. Not many people survive herion and you have. Try not think of the shitty things you’ve done but the great things your going to do! People so shitty things with or with out drugs so dont be hard on yourself. Good luck with your recovery x

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      conner78 4 years ago

      Thanks for the msg 🙂

      Things are slowly, slowly getting better. Just need to be patient.

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  2. wooptydoo 4 years ago

    You should be proud of yourself! I know many addicts who have children and neglect to think about how it will and has impacted them. You don’t have to reach that notorious “rockbottom” to be an addict, and it most certainly doesn’t take away the potency of how amazing it is that you’ve come so far. The difference between who you are on drugs and who you are without drugs is when you’re sober you can make improvements. On drugs, once you begin the road to recovery you’re just scratching the surface. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s extremely uplifting for people looking to recover who have all these questions no doctors will answer and no addict will bring up as they are scared, even to hear it themselves. Lots of good vibes & hope & faith and the whole 9 your way. Keep up the good work!

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      conner78 4 years ago

      Thanks very much for the message 🙂
      My kids and job are pretty much all I have, I wouldn’t be able to continue existing without them. I was a fairly good ‘functional addict’ for a long time, but in the end it was just getting worse and worse… I put myself in a position where the only positive option in my life was to do what I did. When I start to think about how good it felt to smoke H, I remind myself of how bad it got. I had to use just to keep from feeling sick. I didn’t enjoy it by the end, not for a long time. I’m a naturally anxious person and the routine of drugs, shame, hiding, and worst of all, managing lies, made my anxiety so much worse.

      Now I’m on the flipped side of the coin; still have anxiety, but weed helps (apples and orange in my recovery; I don’t avoid wheels because I can’t drive a car – I ride a bike instead) my doctor even recommends it. I was on pharmacuticals for anxiety/depression for over 15 years only to discover marijuana not only works better and costs less, its more natural.

      I kind of hate NA but I do like the principal of service. If there’s any way I can contribute to helping other addicts, I’m happy to. The single most important thing you get from NA, therapy, whatever is the sense of community, that not only are you not alone, but there’s tons of people out there rooting for you and confident you can succeed because they did. AND you’re also in turn needed, just as you need them. Hard things to remember/realize when you’re stuck in the solitary microcosm of addiction.

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