I posted this a few days ago in a forum, but now I can’t find it on here and I think maybe I deleted it somehow? I’m not sure… but here’s this “blog” about my story so far.
i’m new to this site, and i guess this is, roughly, my story–
i was homeschooled until 6th grade, went to a charter school for middle school and another charter school for freshman year. charter schools are very small (at least mine was) and it was a everybody knows everybody type of place. if anything happens, the whole school will know the next day. i was severely bullied throughout middle school and it carried on throughout freshman year as well. it was really hard to go through, and i think this is where my depression really started. the whole school knew about everything and no one really liked me. the school bullies had everyone on their side, since no one wanted the bullies to turn on them, too. i was being messaged anonymously through apps and on fake phone numbers really harsh things. i tried to kill myself several times in 8th and 9th grade. halfway through tenth grade my anxiety really worsened so i went back to homeschooling/online school. my “best friend” at the time decided i wasn’t good enough for her and blocked me on every social media platform. she spread mean and untrue rumors about me at the charter school i used to attend, making everyone not like me all over again… it hurt. being stabbed in the back and never knowing why. after all this, my depression worsened, very severely. being at home all day doing online school didn’t help. my grades began to slip. i was failing. i never wanted to get out of bed. i would sleep all day and rarely eat. i ended up kicking my own butt about school work and pulled B’s and C’s for the second half of sophomore year (which considering i was previously an all A student doing dual credit and AP courses as well as being in honor society, this wasn’t normal for me) summer was good. i only had about 2 friends and my boyfriend. i was in love and spending all my time with my boyfriend. but that wasn’t smart, apparently, because my boyfriend ended up breaking up with me, the beginning of my junior year. the end of September. and to make matters worse my sister, and best friend, was moving away the next day. i decided that i couldn’t handle being alone at home constantly and doing online school. i told my parents and i started at public school just a few weeks later. i liked it, at first. everything was new and i finally had a chance to start fresh. but the people i decided to start fresh with apparently weren’t the right ones. i ended up taking up drinking. which, i had never really tried before. the whole public school teen world was never present in my life, but all of a sudden now it was. i had sex with people i shouldn’t have, who i barely knew, and i have regrets about all of it. i was doing it to clear my head. i was using it to cope, which is never smart. i began to feel that these weren’t smart choices i was making and i began to wish that i could just start all over again, but i couldn’t. i began to distance myself from people, again. i now basically have one friend and a few acquaintances at school. it’s hard to hang out with anyone anymore. i just go to school and go home. i sleep constantly, whenever not at school. and my life just feels pointless. i just don’t see a reason for my being and i never want to leave my bed, which i’m in as i write this. everything feels hard. no one likes me. i’m quiet, anxious, depressed. it’s hard to make friends. i don’t have passions anymore. i used to be a dancer but i quit because i don’t feel good enough at it to pursue it anymore. my life feels like it’s constantly falling apart, and when it seems mild like maybe it can’t get any worse and maybe it will have to get better, it doesn’t. something else creeps into my mind and i feel sad, yet again. i have no energy. i have a 24 hour day (minus the time i’m sleeping, at night, and the time i’m forced to be at school) but it feels like i have nothing. i’m not okay, and i know that, but i don’t know what to do about it.
and i’m up at 2:40 am writing this