Im tryingto think positive.

last night i was angry. i dont know why but i was very irritated and mad at everyone….

Me and my father were going to drive to go get some food for dinner last night. i was still angry and i told him i was going to wait for him in the car. I sat in the dark car and started crying. i kept thinking i dont want to be alone…

he came outside and i wipped my tears away making sure he wouldnt see that i was crying. He knew though. He started driving and asked "so why are you crying? do you want to talk about it?" i started crying. he tried to make things better. asked me if i wanted to go to the movies with him.. hugged me..

The reason. The reason why i am always irritated and angry at my family.

it all started back when i was younger.

My life..

Well when i was younger me and my father were really close. i was daddys little girl, but when i got older i saw the truth. I saw what really went on behind closed doors that when i was younger i didnt understand.

My parents are drug addicts. they dont think they have a problem.

i started to loose respect for my parents when i was in middle school. Thats when I first started having depression but i never said anthing. i never did anything about it.

when i was 12 or 13 my parents became very dependant on the drugs. Heroine. Crack. Coke. Meth. Anything they could basically get their hands on. They fighted constantly over money. Over drugs. Over everything. They didnt pay bills. sometimes i would go without power or water, or food.

I would get yelled at by my mother. every word underthe sun would come out ofthat womans mouth. thingsyou wouldnt ever call your children. she cursedlike a sailor. thatswhere i got it from 🙁

she would try and hit me and my sister and she didnt think that was a problem. she was a child of rape and didnt think she was abusing us because we werent being "raped" like she was when she was a child.

she was still abusive. Mentally and Verbally abusive.

I dont think i can ever forgive her. I dont think i can until she trys to fix her self. Its been 5 years. she still does crack and coke and if its in town again meth,on and off. she goes on thesebinges. she will be clean for 6 months but relapses.

she also was an alcoholic but had to stop because of a recent DUI she recived. she is wearing a SCRAM. something that is attatched to your ankle like a house arrest monitar, but it detects your alochol level by your sweat. she had no choice but to stop. it was stop cold turkey or go to jail…

i belive when she gets the ankle bracelet off the first thing she is going to do is have a drink. she will never stop drinking. she is and always will be an alcholic. Like i said she doesnt think she has a problem.

My father sells pills, and takes every kind of pill for muscle relaxers and pain killersunder the sun. he would eat shit if somehow that would knock you out and you couldnt feel anything limb on your body and you didnt know who you were….

i think my mother is doing drugs right now. i dont know what she is actually taking but shehas beenacting different recently and she is being very nice. she is still abusive and calls me names all the time. i think im legally going to change my name from Jordanto "Bitch Cock Sucking Whore" because im called that more then my birth given name…

I miss my father. I miss when he was clean. When he was an actual person. He was my dad. He protected me when he was straight. Now he does nothing but sleep all day because he is fucked up on pills, and doesnt have a job…

i work my ass off. i dont get anymoney from my job because i have to pay bills to live at my house with my parents. my mother gets my WHOLE pay check. and all they do is have fun and get high all the time….

Nothing has changed, When will they grow up and realize they ruined my life and fucked with my head my whole childhood?

4 Comments
  1. downey491 10 years ago

    Your post has shocked and moved me. It sounds like you need to go and get a fresh start away from your parents but I know that is easier said than done. i doubt theres anything that i can say that will really help but I just want you to know you're not all those hideous names your mother calls you and that someday soon there will be a light at the end of your dark cold tunnel…

    My thoughts are with you.

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  2. Jordanbrittiny 10 years ago

    thank you so much. that actually made me feel a little better 🙂

    and its not just what anyone can say that will make me feel better, its mainly knowing that someone cares and is thinking about you. do you know what i mean? and thank you again 🙂

     

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  3. questionMarked 10 years ago

    wow…I am in awe of your story. You have been through so much 🙁 I hope someday your situation will get better. I think it will because you seem like such a mature and strong person. It takes a strong person to be able to put up with all of that. One day you'll move away from your family and start your life over and begin to live your dreams.

    Also, thanks for sharing your story because I have recently been fantacizing about using not-so constructive ways of dealing with depression, and hearing about your parents has made me realize that turning to drugs and alcohol won't fix anything..it'll just eff up everything more and if I ever have kids it could affect them too.

     

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  4. Jordanbrittiny 10 years ago

    Thank you so much and I hope so 🙁 its hard and I try and try to think positively but just more bad things pile on top of other bullshit I'm dealing with and it truly sucks and I'm beginning to give up on the whole thinking positive shit :,( it takes everything out of me just to see the positive things in my life :((

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