Yet again, I am lost at sea. Well, not lost but struggling. Struggling to reach the shore. I can see land, I just cannot seem to get there. I swim and I swim towards it but it remains elusive as I bob and struggling in the waves, never making up ground. Sometimes I lose sight of the shore, as they waves are so big and fierce and engulfing, I wonder if I will be able to keep my head above water.
I am so utterly tired of feeling broken. I cannot seem to find the right kind of tape to keep myself stuck together. Oh it works for a while but then it begins to lose its adhesiveness and those cracks begin to show. To widen. And I feel myself falling apart. Again. Sometimes I think perhaps I lose a part of myself when I crack so there are gaps when I try to tape myself back together.
I know what to do. Smile. Be happy (such a farce!). Be active. Don't wallow. Don't be alone. Go outside. HOW can I go outside when walking out the front door seems like an insurmountable task? Thinking about it makes me anxious. I'm lucky I can get out of bed but the front door? That feels impossible.
And then there are those feelings … those voices that voice those feelings … "I'm letting everyone down" … "I'm useless/stupid/unreliable/lazy" … "If I was better/happier/normal/thinner/nicer/perfect then I wouldn't be like this" … and blah blah blah …
I have depression. I hate that. Would I feel the same if I had asthma? Would people treat me differently or be more sympathetic if I DID have asthma? A 'physical' illness is much more 'acceptable' than a 'mental' illness. If I had asthma, and I had an attack, would I blame myself? Would those voices come out to play as they do when I have a depression attack? I wonder … possibly not but then you never know.
I take my medication. I try to do my mindfullness exercises and they work but sometimes, those voices are just too darn loud and bam! Trigger rides again on the back of an argument with my spouse AND money worries AND the loss of a friend for no reason AND then all the other little things are magnified 1000x larger than they should be and here I am again; off work because I have a mental illness. Because walking out the front door seems too hard.Because being around people makes me anxious.Because lack of sleep causes me to cry at the drop of that proverbial fedora.
The plan. The plan. Stick to the plan. Get to work early. Go to the gym. Have a set lunch break and leave the office. Get home. Eat healthy. Go to training. Get to bed early. Routine. Routine. Stick to the routine.
I fell down last week and have been trying to get back up ever since. It's like being back on skates for the first time in years. Falling over again and again and getting up again and again. Sometimes it's harder to get up. I will manage it. I just need to ask for help.
Help … ?