I'm so tired and so upset and so over this! Today is terrible I got yelled at work by one manager for doing something another manager told me to do
This is the same manager who told me that I had to change my hair color because it was a 'distraction' it was just a bright red color. (Keep in mind that I work in a call center, there is no face to face contact with the members I interact with) she hates me because I went over her head to get the approval to eat through out the day (due to my weight loss surgery) and she's been a bitch to me ever since.
Things have been so bad lately.I know I have shared a poem and talked about breaking down, but I never explained why so if you bare with me I will share a bit of whats going on. ..
I started cutting when I was 13 (I just turned 25 in may) now cutting is like any other self-destructive behavior, its an addiction, just as much as smoking or drinking or anything else, & its something that I really struggle with, and something that I am embarrassed to say that it has a lot of control over my life. I was cut free for a while, however, I had a relapse not to long ago, and I have been dealing with the urge daily and I am ashamed to say that nine out of ten times I am unable to fight off the urge and have given into the urge.
On top of that, I have been really depressed. I recently got a med change, and I do not know if its going to work, somehow I am more depressed now that I am on medication than I was off of them. I am seeing my therapist again on Tuesday, I am going to talk to him about this because honestly, if I keep having to do this, I just don't know if I can keep doing it.
I am glad that I have the next three days off from work, because if I didn't I probably would have called off from work, because I have just been so depressed and work is not helping at all, I like what I do, but the hour commute every day, on top of the shift that I work (I work from 4:15pm-1:00am) I feel like by the time I get home, and settle down enough to fall asleep and then wake up in the morning, my day is over, so there is nothing for me to do, and then on my days off (Mon & Tue) I have to fit in everything that I need to do, weather it be chores, doctor appointments or errands, it just really sucks, I need to find a better job, that doesn't stress my out so much, and one that is not so far to work, also one that pays a little better, because honestly I do not think the stress that I have to deal with, it not worth what little I make…
I still feel so worthless and humiliated over what happened with my ex. I feel like I should have been stronger to get out of the abusive situation earlier than I did, and I didn't, and it makes me feel like it was all my fault I should have stopped it before it got to the point, I should have put an end to it when the emotional abuse started, but I didn't, because he was a Dominate and I thought that this is how it was suppose to be, but when it got physically abusive more than twice, I knew that it was wrong, but at that point I was so dependent on him, I still feel so damn lost, and abandon, and when I miss it, It makes me feel sick, who can miss someone who abuses them, I just hate my mind sometimes
On top of this, I feel like I am losing all my friends, my ex pretty much alienated me from all my friends, so the friends I did have were his friends, so when I left him, it pretty much left me with no one to really talk to, I do have one great friend, but I honestly feel like I am hurting her with all the shit I am going through, I love her, but it just is really hard leaning on her, because I feel like I am doing worse damage so I feel so damn alone Not to mention, I am like the best at pushing people away, I wish I could trust people, but I have been so hurt, it feels like its impossible to fully trust someone, I wonder if I ever will be able to again.
I am so tired of everything, I am just tired every day, and I feel like no matter how much sleep I get, that I am never going to be fully rested, I wish more then anything I can sleep until I wasn't so tired, maybe the depression is making me tired, maybe its everything else, I just don't know, but its so frustrating being tired all the time, and not having any energy to do anything.
Plus I have reached a stall in my weight loss, I think its because my back has been hurting so much so I have not gone to the gym in about a week, I know stalls are expected, but its still so discouraging… I feel like a failure, and my family likes to point out that I am not losing weight fast enough
Damn, I knew this was going to be long, but I am sorry it was so long, I am not expecting anyone to reply, I guess I really just needed to get it all out, thank to anyone who does read all of this.