The song is the one I used to make a memorial video after my grandma passed away from lung caner. She passed away on October 4 2009, basically four years ago. I am still unable to listen to that song without getting feelings of melancholy. I feel like I should have reached an acceptance by this point. I was pretty sure I was done with the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Maybe I am stuck in the depression stage. It is hard to tell when you were diagnosed with depression at 13. Maybe I was too young to care for my grandma but I feel if I hadn't helped, I would be consumed with feelings of self hatred and selfishness. I will cherish the good times in those last few months but I also have regrets and strong unhappy memories. If I smell something–especially those found in hospitals and certain other hospice-related smells–I am brought back to those dark yet valuable days. We still live in the house where we took care of my grandma. The room she stayed in and eventually passed away in is on the main floor of out house (I say main because we have a basement and a second story). We still have bars–for my grandma to hold onto–up. They are on the wall to help making going to the restroom easier.

I look at a cherub a nurse gave my grandma and think of her. Should I get rid of the figurine? I don't know if I ever could. But then I feel like I am deliberately causing myself pain and anguish.

It's kind of strange at the timing of this anniversary. In Abnormal Psychology we have a group project due eventually and we choose topics on Wednesday. One of those topics is Grieving: Dealing with Death. Part of me wants to do that topic but I worry about my mood–especially with my history of depression. Maybe I should try and convince my group not to do that topic…I don't know.

I feel so weak. I have a month before the actually anniversary. Why am I telling it affect me so early?

I really need to wrap this blog up and work on some homework. Maybe I should get out of my room for a few minutes. I guess I'll do that and hope the depression is able to be put on the back burner so-to-speak.

xx