I'm anxious, scared, excited… after having realized, I mean, truly realized my fate was not my fault, that I was abused and that the reason my brain kept pushing for me to do things "right" was because that's how I was programmed, I feel different. Combined with the letting go of theism, it all hits home, the finality of it all, but at the same time, the possibility. Suddenly I don't want to stay still. I want to see the world. I want to make the most of it. I don't want to be afraid anymore and if I am, still walk through it. I have nothing holding me back, except lack of compassion for myself and I think that's getting better because things look different when you realize this is all we've got. We are all we have, we are all struggling and every day is a blessing. Will I need more therapy in the way I sought it before or is it now just my turn to re-integrate into the world in an independent way? I think my grief cycle is coming to an end. I mean… sure, some things will still hurt but I'm not keen on wasting time on hurting when I don't have to. I feel freed by the idea that my thoughts are solely mine. That my life is soley mine. That I don't have to hold back due to anybodyand that, in the big scheme of things, the things I used to think mattered so much, really don't. It's all about my choices. No one else's. My heart has grown, despite what some might think is a lonely poit of view. It's not, to me, because it accentuates how much we really do need each other and to respect our uniqueness, worth and singular, ephemeral existence. Life is cruel but it''s also beautiful. I can chose to hold on or not. I can chose to be me or not. That is huge. That is liberating!

1 Comment
  1. alexsophia88 8 years ago

    It\'s awesome to hear that a fellow survivor has also felt this way! You\'re right, it\'s not easy. I\'m absolutely trying my best with what I have. I wish I had more support but slowly and surely I am cementing healthier friendships with kinder people who won\'t judge me for who I am or what I\'m going through. \”Groomed for doom\”, hah! Ain\'t that right! Seriously, the way we were taught to suppress our original Spark… our abusers tried to snuff our Light out. If that isn\'t death, which of course can then too lead to a physical one, later on, I don\'t know what is! I wanna live! Stay strong, buddy, and thank you for taking the time to read my blog and write back ;)!

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