First I would like to thank all the supportive comments on my previous blog.
I got the flu last Friday and got the currage to stay at my mothers for a few days, I am still here.
It has done wonders to my mental state. Today is the fourth day that I am here and I finnally got out of bed and after 2 months of silence started opening up.
i decided to redo my 12 step program ( at home from a book ) last time I did it it really helped me.
I kind of mutalated my face today with a serynge which is something I do when I spend too much time with my self. But the damage wasn't too bad. And i know it's a terrible habit but after I got all the bad stuff out of my face and showerd I felt like my soul was cleansed too. Managed to finally talk.
Talking frustrated me though. I don't have the need to talk but my family and bf insist that I do, and complain when I don't but then when I finally do talk no matter what I say they make it all about them, and they always pass judgment. And when I reply with "Thank you but I really don't care for input" they just get mad and say the worst thing anyone can ever say to me: " You Have to…"
I hate sentences that start like that "You have to…". Uh…I don't have to anything! Who died and made you god? "You have to eat right" "You have to excersize more" "You have to look at life with a more positive outlook" and my answer is always the same
" YOU HAVE TO MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS!"
I find it rude when people assume you NEED not even want but NEED their help. I don't talk, don't complain, don't impose, infact – I barely exist and the little existance i do have apperently is the fuel my bf and family need to make it through the day. "You are the reason I wake up" "I couldn't last a day without you." That's what I hear everyday, which is great! really because I live for the few people in my life and knowing I make them happy means I am doing my job. BUT- must they make me miserable?
long story short- I talked to my bf and my mom and told them "Look Im 9 months clean. It's hard, and scarry, You guys giving me your 2 cents and opinions about every single thing I do and don't do is FREAKING ME OUT! Please trust me, I have 7 months before I am getting married and immagrating to another country…that means I need to get my shit together during this time otherwise I will get on that plane but i will dissapear somewhere cause I am done! "
I know this talk is valid for…oh i don't know untill 2morow evening, but I'll enjoy the time I have.