I never thought I would do this, but there didn't seem to be anywhere else and i'm pent up without an outlet.  I don't have severe OCD, but it still impacts my every day life, my every action and worst of all, my every interaction.   

I was diagnosed with OCD about 1.5 years ago.  I kind of always knew it but kept convincing myself otherwise, denying it – explaining my differences away.  The thing is, I didn't have the "popular" ocd things, the things you read about or saw in comedic display in a movie or tv show.  Mine are more subtle and wide ranging and changing.  By the time i would catch on that i was obsessing over something, it would kind of morph into something else. 

There was the plastic fork phase in middle school; high school when i stopped eating in public and so many others.  College is when it really became obvious.  When i was away from my family and usual surroundings for the 1st time, cleaning and organization became the only thing that made sense.  my new friends thought it was funny – seeing me crawl around on my hands & knees picking up lint from the throw rug, ironing my pajamas and sheets – the college used my dorm room for tour groups.  it kind of became my identity.  that was fine freshman year as i lucked out & ended up by myself in a double room.  but sophmore year, i had roommates, unfortunately, some were not too friendly and thought that making me freakout was funny.  at that time, i had issues with orientation… everything has to be positioned just right, at least just right in my head.  they would turn things around, just slightly – just to watch me twitch. 

i thought i was going crazy.  it was so unnatural.  but life went on, i stifled every "itch" i had in public and kept it from everyone.  year after year has gone by like this, its like i'm holding my breathe and just moments away from blacking out.  once i was diagnosed, it at least was a cliched weight off my shoulders.  it cleared things up, gave reason to my irrationality.  at least there was a reason to the madness.

then i started to realize how trivialized ocd has become.  its a reality series, a popular cable show, every day people use it in conversation.  the other day a co-worked said something like, "yeah, i'm like so ocd sometimes, i have to lock my car door twice when i get in the car."   it kind of pisses me off.  

i digress.  i'm not sure where this went or why i'm even writing.  i guess i just figured that people here might know of what i speak.  "friends" (i use that term loosely) have no idea, they think its like Monk or like that wonderful show on A&E where in 12 weeks you're cured.  i started therapy 16 months ago and only now have we really started working on exposures. granted there's lots of other things going on compounding the ocd stuff.  but i get my 45 minutes a week, we start the exposure, i get pretty amped up, then times up, we stop, she tries to calm me down.  i fib a bit so as not to make her next patient have to wait, and tell her i'm in normal range, and i walk out, walk down the hallway, make a right turn out of view and kiel over to get my breath. 

where's my 12 weeks to the pot of gold?  where's my circle of understanding friends?  when can i move on to a life without strings?  i didn't set out to whine, i'm just frustrated with progress.