Let me throw up the disclaimer here…. My joking is meant to distract you fromthe seriousness of my issue(s). I laugh and tell jokes in an attempt to lessen the blow of my message(s). Please dont take it to mean that my story is not serious, or that my message is not despirate…

I swore I'd never be the guy coming on here talking about not feeling "safe" or feeling so overwhelmed that he didn't feel he could take much more….. I'll try not to come across that way, but if you want to avoid that possibility, please close this post now before continuing.

Life has felt…… unfair… for a time now. On the surface, I have 4 beautiful kids, on my second marriage, and have a steady job. I should be so happy. I won't go into my challenges with each of the aforementioned areas of my life, but it ain't all roses and it really pisses me off when people tell me things like how they "WISH" they had my problems. So insensitive and just dripping in ignorance.

For those that know me, you know I've been in inpatient for over a week, and am now in outpatient. I’m supposed to be getting better, but I feel like I’m getting worse, by the minute.

They “uncovered” that I have bipolar (what’s currently classified as bipolar II with rapid cycling). Call it what you will, I felt a huge benefit from the additional of anti-psych (Risperdal) to my luvox/ativan. After the honeymoon ended, and I came home from inpatient and the stress of life kicked in…. the rituals came back, the crankiness came back, the irritability and obsessions came back, but not as bad, initially. Fast forward to Sunday and I had a day of no food, in pjs all day, working in the kitchen. Took the stove apart again. Emptied out the refridgerator looking for expired food, and scrubbed every surface we own. Sht, I thought these days were over. Anyway…. The wife hasn’t been all that understanding lately, I can’t say why. She tries, but she’s been throwing up the whacko flag at me since I went “in”. “It must be your OCD, it’s got to be the bipolar” etc etc.

To try to not bore you any further than I have I’ll fast forward.

In outpatient, they forced me to sign a non-harm (safety) contract. I swear it’s a CYA for them if I off myself while under their care. This is a little concerning to me because it’s not something they have most people at the facility fill out. Whatever….

My wife has not been all that supportive lately. She’s been very irritable,aggressive, and easily agitated. Today, I went through 7 hours of CBT. I felt like I was run over for 7 hours straight. Got in the door, and in front of my folks,, my wife screamed at me because I asked her to help me with dinner. (WTF?) I don’t trust my STM these days because of the racing thoughts. So, I bounced it off Dad, he confirmed… he had no idea why she yelled at me like that. Then she goes to the family room and screams at my dad how he doesn’t understand what she has to deal with; he yelled back at her not to speak like that (he’s old school, respect your elders,etc) and she proceeded to pack a bag and leave for the night. She’s currently at a friends house, with my daughter. I’m terribly sad because my baby is my world and I hardly saw her today… I started spiraling from there…..

Now, My folks are off in the family room watching tv, my wife is elsewhere with the baby, and I’m in my bed typing you thinkiing about how I’m supposed to reach out to follow my safety contract when I’m not safe. Well, I’m not safe but my safety contract calls for me reaching out to my wife… that’s funny. I’ll try calling the hospital hotline. If nothing else, it will put me to sleep for the night; I’ll pick this up in the am with a fresh head……..

I feel as though I’m losing my grip, and have no idea how I’m going to return to work in december. Hell, at this point, I'm having trouble thinking about getting up in the morning for therapy. I should go.

The irony, "The Luckiest" is the song that my wife and I danced to at our wedding.