Hi all ,

Been a long time since I have been here and I have faced a lot since I have been gone. I completed therapy only to see my husband hop out of bed one morning and say ” I am leaving “. That was April , I struggled through the next 2 months of wishy washy are we divorcing or are we not until he finally came home. There was almost no time we weren’t seeing one another every day and I fought tooth and nail to show him I was well and all the things he wanted in me. Several times he said he was coming home only to send me a message saying I am never coming back , the last time it was a text on the day he was supposed to move back in. That resulted in me driving to his Aunt’s like a bat out of hell and beating in the door till he faced me. I told him I was taking the kids and moving to Utah to stay with a friend because I knew I could not make a clean break otherwise. After that night everything changed , he started asking me to come see him instead of me always making the effort , he told me he realized how much he loved me and the kids and that he did not want me to go. I saw the man I had fell in love with for the first time in many years. Other than a few minor cranky moments he has been very different and so have I. He is secure and happy and I am thankful for that , but I am still plagued by the fear I am going to wake up to him walking out again …I am insecure and scared and I cannot seem to find my footing or chase that repetitive thought away. It is making me insane and I cry often and am always afraid. I want to be secure and happy and at peace with my husband. That along with all of the OCD issues and Anxiety issues I have regularly and the fact I am medication and therapy free has led to sort of a place where I am teetering on the edge , I am feeling urges to do things I had stopped like cutting , rocking and panic attacks to the point I can barely breathe. I have not cut , I have rocked and had the attacks , though I try my best to hide them. How do I find my footing and the strength to believe things are going to be ok ? If I can’t I know things will get dark again and I cannot afford that , how do I fight the relapse ?