I never thought I would do this, but there didn't seem to be anywhere else and i'm pent up without an outlet. I don't have severe OCD, but it still impacts my every day life, my every action and worst of all, my every interaction.
I was diagnosed with OCD about 1.5 years ago. I kind of always knew it but kept convincing myself otherwise, denying it – explaining my differences away. The thing is, I didn't have the "popular" ocd things, the things you read about or saw in comedic display in a movie or tv show. Mine are more subtle and wide ranging and changing. By the time i would catch on that i was obsessing over something, it would kind of morph into something else.
There was the plastic fork phase in middle school; high school when i stopped eating in public and so many others. College is when it really became obvious. When i was away from my family and usual surroundings for the 1st time, cleaning and organization became the only thing that made sense. my new friends thought it was funny – seeing me crawl around on my hands & knees picking up lint from the throw rug, ironing my pajamas and sheets – the college used my dorm room for tour groups. it kind of became my identity. that was fine freshman year as i lucked out & ended up by myself in a double room. but sophmore year, i had roommates, unfortunately, some were not too friendly and thought that making me freakout was funny. at that time, i had issues with orientation… everything has to be positioned just right, at least just right in my head. they would turn things around, just slightly – just to watch me twitch.
i thought i was going crazy. it was so unnatural. but life went on, i stifled every "itch" i had in public and kept it from everyone. year after year has gone by like this, its like i'm holding my breathe and just moments away from blacking out. once i was diagnosed, it at least was a cliched weight off my shoulders. it cleared things up, gave reason to my irrationality. at least there was a reason to the madness.
then i started to realize how trivialized ocd has become. its a reality series, a popular cable show, every day people use it in conversation. the other day a co-worked said something like, "yeah, i'm like so ocd sometimes, i have to lock my car door twice when i get in the car." it kind of pisses me off.
i digress. i'm not sure where this went or why i'm even writing. i guess i just figured that people here might know of what i speak. "friends" (i use that term loosely) have no idea, they think its like Monk or like that wonderful show on A&E where in 12 weeks you're cured. i started therapy 16 months ago and only now have we really started working on exposures. granted there's lots of other things going on compounding the ocd stuff. but i get my 45 minutes a week, we start the exposure, i get pretty amped up, then times up, we stop, she tries to calm me down. i fib a bit so as not to make her next patient have to wait, and tell her i'm in normal range, and i walk out, walk down the hallway, make a right turn out of view and kiel over to get my breath.
where's my 12 weeks to the pot of gold? where's my circle of understanding friends? when can i move on to a life without strings? i didn't set out to whine, i'm just frustrated with progress.