I had finally finished middle schoo. Four years of teasing, rumors, and lies was more than enough for me. I thought I was ready for high school. But one quiet night that summer, I could not sleep. I laid in bed racked with fierce sobs that bent my spine with each wave. Suddenly, I was afraid that high school would be no better. What is I was destined to be invisible forever?I ran up the stairs and into the warmth of my parents' loving arms. They reassured me that it would be great. I'd have fun, make friends, and discover who I really am.
If I could go back to that sad, quiet night, I would tell them that they lied. Life never got any better for me; it got muchworse. I would tell myself to prepare for pains I never fathomed my mental capacity could withstand. It will nearly drive you to your death, but you would rather welcome the eternal darkness than live another day in the hellish teenage wasteland that is high school. I would have told myself to run, to never look back or slow down. I would have revealed everything.
I would have told myself that I would fall in love. He;s not who you'd first expect but he is beautiful. He is the spawn of the temptress Medusa:every stare draws you in. He makes you his own and cracks you open. You will tell him everything and give him almost anything. Almost. He shows you shangri la, an escape, but darkens the lies so only he can see them. he;s everything you ever wanted, but not. Blind to this, your freshman year will end in bliss, giving you bright hopes for the next three years.
I then would have told myself that it only goes down from there. I would tell myself that sophomore year I would go to Hell. You lose the one person that promised you they'd be there forever. He will drop you from the ninth cloud, the one you shared. Suddenly you become ugly. Your reflection weeps at its own existence. Bulimia nervose takes over. Your parents worry that you might not be as perfect as they'd expected you'd be. Prozac becomes a daily nutrient. Rock bottom is unmoving. You wont't go up but you can go down no further.
Your junior year plays out in a state of healing. Slim and beautiful, having received what you wanted, you will welcome food back into your life. Hesitantly, you will abandon your fears of falling in love again. He won't sweep you off your feet but he'll give you everything you need. You give him everything in return. Everything. Grades will not be so important to you as you push all thoughts of college to the back of your mind. The year ends in a mindless sense of relaxation, as you are oblivious to what comes next.
Your senior year starts in pain. A day that should have been great goes to pieces when you nearly drown and no one, not even your lover, comes to save you. Paralyzing sickness will invade your body, nailing you to a white, paper bed. Before you have a chance to heal, he will leave you. This time it will not take long for you to find love again. He promises you everything that the others did not. You will trust him to be there for you, but he leaves you when you become a danger to yourself. To save your life from your own free will, your family will put you in the hospital to be restrained. You escape by means of a fake smile and cooperation but you don't get better. You will use your freedom to mutilate yourself. Cutting becomes your comfort. After some time, it even stops hurting. Your body will become a toy.
So here I tell you, get away while you can. You were not meant to handle this world. It is a danger to you and you are a danger to yourself. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. I want to get away from this place, from the pain, but I am afraid to move forward. Don't put yourself through it. You have the choice.
And that is what I'd tell myself if I could go back.