So here I am in front of this blasted computer again. knowing I should be making better use of the last few hours of decent study time I have available to me before the MST tomorrow. Ahhh yes for those of you who do not know I signed up for a program at Confederation college that starts in just 8 short days. I am really excited about it, and I have been studying hard for the test to insure my placement. So heres why I sit… my brain hurts, i can no longer make sense of the words or numbers to mathmatical questions. My eyes burn, the pages are blurred now. My body aches, a complete lack of sleep will do that to a person, as will sitting uncomfortably on the floor leaned over a textbook for 2 consecutive nights. But among the worst is that my heart is heavy. Heavy with desire, with longing, with memories of pains and yet an overwhelming comfort in the sorrows the past once brought. Heavy with fear and insecurities as I find myself jealous of everyone who gets to be near him. Suddenly realizing that the past year of attempts to let go have paid off in that he has returned, like the old proverb predicts. Only with this new realization comes fear… i am having to feel for him in a way I have forbid myself to do these past 15 months, as the lonliness and loss was almost unbearable. Feeling this way now, I know only breaks down the walls allowing me to be hurt once more. i can try though I know I can not hide the jealousy from him, from anyone, least of all from myself. It brings me to know that I am back where I started, falling head over heels in love all over again. Allowing myself to feel that opens the door to the pain I fear will follow. Fear paralyzes me. I shut down. possibly in defense so to raise the walls back up… I dont want to hurt again, even if it means I will grow. Maybe it is in the lack of sleep and the inability to process such emotions reasonably, or perhaps even it is because somewhere I beleive it will make it go away. It doesnt, this much I know now. It only increases the anxiety. I try to let go once more… only this time there is a real presence to that which I want rid of. Whereas before I questioned its weight. Not knowing if I had anything really to hold onto. I feel that love filling that void and it scares me to accept it. Wondering which pain will be less. Afraid of losing the battle again, afraid of hurting him. For, beleive me that is something I am capable of doing with or without intention. Perhaps that is the reason of this blog, so not to hurt him by avoiding him entirely which is what I had originally set out in doing tonight, for an undetermined amount of time. I know that this would be the wrong action to take and so here I sit.. doing what only makes me more vulnerable and open to more hurt…in front of this blasted computer pouring out my soul for the purpose of allowing the one it is intended for to peer into my mind in the event that he reads it and possibly come to find a better understanding of where I am coming from. Oh and also to give me a break from studying.