I know to others I am not a disappointment, but unfortunately for me, my family feels that way. I have never been good enough for them and I have no clue why. And believe me, I've asked ad nauseam. My middle brother gets all the praise and he has done literally nothing with his life. He is a spineless jellyfish with no motivation or drive. I think because he knows how to play the family game is why they think of him like they do. It's hard to explain. But, I graduated high school (the only one of us kids to do that), I went into the Army, have taken college classes, owned a home, traveled, take care of myself financially, don't do drugs, am not a criminal, etc. and even with all that I am still only tolerated in the family and still looked down upon.
I haven't seen my mom in almost 20 years and she has such hate and venom towards me still it’s unreal. I have no idea where any of that came from either. My parents are not warm and not really parents. They're emotionally void. Very cold and I guess I can't explain it fully. When I did still speak to my mom she used to tell me the worst thing she ever did was have kids and she was sorry I was born. Those words still cling to me.
My parents were never encouraging. Anything I have done was out of pure determination on my part; not because I ever got any support. I struggled in high school and my mom & dad told me to just get my GED. Instead, I worked my butt off (all the while working a FT job) and graduated on time and walked with my class.
I have always been the black sheep of the family. I never understood them and vice versa. It was like I never fit. I used to, up until last week, beat myself up for it. I was always trying so hard to please them both or at least my dad. I finally realized that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. They only bring up my shortcomings and hardly ever acknowlege my accomplishments. I need to just start doing stuff solely for myself. I wanted their approval so badly and now, well, I guess I finally got it through my head that it's just never going to happen.
So I have decided that from this point forward I need to just move on with my life. If something bad happens I need to only rely on myself. Not look to my family for any comfort or encouragement. I am tired of always being let down and feeling so insecure. That insecurity and fear of abandonment has really weighed heavy on me since I can remember. Once my dad got mad at me because I invited my Aunt and Uncle to dinner with the family without consulting with him first. He didn't talk to me for two years over that. That really rattled me. Ever since I have been afraid he'd do that again and censored myself so that he wouldn't do that again. But, after much soul searching, I have come to the conclusion of "would it be so bad if they weren't in my life? They've brought nothing but confusion and heartache so what's the point?" They bring nothing good into my life. If anything I allow them to drain me mentally and emotionally. It's taken me 38 years to figure this out. I really need to just break ties completely and start taking care of me. There is an Oasis song lyric that says "Feed your head with all the things you need when you're hungry". I think that's what I need to start doing because I am starving.
Here's to 2010 and me getting my head screwed on straight and living a happy life.
