Hello. I know I wrote last entry I was looking for a new place to live but after much putting up with exhausting, vicious drama, from my old roommate, she finally graduated the program and I got the option to move to a different house of the street. I’m grateful because they wanted to pair me up with the most hateful, belligerent lady, literally the worst person, right after my old roommate! Like, wtf??! I swear, I get along with EVERYONE in this neighborhood, except those 2 ladies. I was starting to wonder if the coordinator of the program hated me. Lol!Thankfully, he compromised, after I explained that I sincerely would not be able to live with the other lady due to her unyielding nasty-ness and how bad she triggers me. I mean, she’d wake me up by yelling about killing the neighborhood cats, at like 5am, next to my bedroom window. I had to collect myself a few times because I woke up in a sudden panic from it. It was horrible! The start of a day with her yelling and cussin’ throughit all. Being angry 24/7, I don’t know how she doesn’t get tired of it, especially at her seemingly old age. Now, the house I’m at, is completely the opposite, in distance to hers, and it’s SO much better! Our next door neighbor is still somewhat loud, but that’s just how he talks, because he’s an elderly islander, plus I knowhe’s not doing it out of anger, which is an interesting exposure chance for me, in a way, (hearing the noise, without the threat) but my room is far enough that I can still escape it, if it ever feels like too much.

My new roommate’s name is Cristina. Apparently I’m the only one in the community that calls her “Cristi”. Half of the time I’m not sure if she’s 100% there, as I seem to talk to her and she takes a slightly long vacant pause, before she reactsand, many times, I have to repeat myself, but hey, she’s quiet. I LOVE that! I get that the world is going to be full of chaos and loudness but,man, I like to make a refuge of my home. Now I finally have it and I’m not thinking desperately of leaving to God-knows-where, with just about anyone. I’ll have to wait longer to get my cat back but, at least,she’s still safe.

My room is bigger now. It feels like a mini studio, which is great because the best part of living around here has been being able to get involved in the nearby Art Village and their galleries. My goal, right now, is to produce TONS of pieces, so I can finally have an updated portfolio and start being a regular at the end-of-the-month “Art Night Out”s, where local artists are encouraged to set upkiosks and sell their art while live-painting. The Mental Health Center programI’m part of began some Art classes too, every Monday of the week, on January. It’s been so refreshing and needed. We officially have a showing on May 2nd, of all we’ve made during the groups. People buy pieces there too. I hope I make some $$$. I could truly use it!

Speaking of $$, because I don’t have a lot of it, I needed to get better at distributing it, throughout the month, so I found this awesome app called “AndroMoney”. Duuuude! I love it. You see, yes, my father had offered to teach me how to budget, quite a few timesbut, back at home, we’dgrown up in such a negative and tense relationship around the topic of money that I always avoided it. Then my case worker got me to try a Wednesday budgeting class but… yeah, no. I went once. Then I had that ER-worthy panic attack and, actually, I tried going once more, after that, but couldn’t focus and found it boring, so I just used the app, instead. I like that I can categorize my spending and it gives me charts on my habits and I can put cute category-related stickers to them. No person with a biased tone towards giving or receiving. Just facts and cute perks. Perfect!I used it last month and it helped me be a lotmore expense conscious. Tried this month without it and I notice the difference.Going back to using it nextmonth. I think it will help.

I discovered I’m definitely NOT an “addict”. Not by 12- Step definitions, anyway. Which is a relief because I don’t have to buy into that whole fear-mongering thought process of, “If you don’t get a highlystructured, Higher-Power oriented,program, you’re eventually just going to overdose and die because that’s how you’re wired and you can’t help it”. Btw, I don’t believe that if you are, in fact, an addict/alcoholic, that this is a healthy view either but that seems to be a lot of the message that is being spread around in groups. I don’t like it. I drank again but interspersed, with days in between, and my self-esteem MUCH higher. I found out I can, in fact, have one drink here and there and stop, because what sets me off, personally, for detrimental substance abuse, is if I’m feeling self-abandoned and self-destructive. If I’m doing that, then sure, why not spiral down into alcoholic self-indulgence? However, if I am loving and aware of my Self and my desired Journey, I can drink for the fun of the effect but not lose myself or do it in such a way where I end up truly destroying my well being. I know it sounds odd, being so obsessed about specificity, but for me, it pegs down what I really need to focus on and what my root issues truly are, which, in the end, is Mental Health first and foremost. Excessive drinking, cutting, binging, isolating, etc… all of that are just symptoms of distress, for me. If I seek to take care of my mental health first, I find(especially lately), that everything else seems to go much better. I don’t even cut any more, or at least, haven’t desired it for a LOOOOOOOONG while, which is HUGE.

I hope these journal entries don’t seem too egocentric. I share all of this stuff in the hopes that, if I describe anything someone else hasbeen through, at least they will know, they’re not alone, and that it can, in fact, get a whole lot better. Right now, my health insurance therapy sessions ran out and I got switched toanother therapist. Her name is Emily and she is a Social Work Master’s intern,nice, friendly, and DBT oriented. So far, she’s alright. Still wish I could see my old traumatologist but still cannot afford. Her and Itext every once in a while though. Me with an update and her with some good feedback, encouragement or congrats. It’s hard to ever let go of the idea of her being in my life, some way. After all, it does feel like she finished raising my emotional Self, as a young adult, during a lot of the hardest times of my life. One day, I dream of going back and showing her my success and make sure she knows how deeply she’s made a difference in my well being. I know it was her “job” but she’s gone beyond that and I think, because of that, so will I, too, in giving my thanks.

Oh, my sister got married! It went beautifully.My Mom and her spoke to Dad and made him promise to behave, during the event. He did. His wife was a bitch anyhow, but that was to be expected. I’m still “no contact” after the wedding. He’s sent me a couple of texts and messages trying to communicate. Even called me once, last week,but I didn’t answer. I don’t think I’m ready yet, but at least I haven’t received anything passive-aggressive. I hope it stays that way. At least we were able to be there for my Sis and her husband and we made them happy. That was, honestly, a great triumph. I’m happy I was able to give her peace of mind in one of the greatest days of her life.

Well, until next time! Take care. Love, always: Alex.

1 Comment
  1. alexsophia88 5 years ago

    Thank you Blackshire! :D! You're SO right.

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